"Mummy, life is not how u live"

Rushed home last night after work to spend some time with the kidlets.. The moment i opened the door screams of "mummy"!! came and zyon smiled, the widest smile :) Sometimes it just makes me feel stress free just looking at their smiles.. nothing beats the smiles of the people you love..

Being mummy is hard and honestly, im not the perfect kind of mummy. Friends asks me, do i regret having the kidlets. My answer ? Yeah. In a way.

Had i known bringing zyon to this world would make him go through the ugly side of how humanity has created the "society" i would never have my baby. Humanity, comes with a huge load of irony and contradictions. That makes it hard to live. To live is not difficult, whats difficult is the process of living. Me alone is not able to make a difference on how to make the environment better enough for the benefit of my child, or rather children with special needs. Everyone is working on their children based on their own way of living, their own thots. Getting people to know about Autism and other special needs, more has to be done.

Some parents are wat we call "normal" family. No thots, only try to create the "model" family that everyone looks, envies and agrees. Have breakfast in the morning, sends the kids to school, have dinner together, supervise homeworks, send kids to extra curriculum lessons, etiquette teachings, family day on sunday with pancakes on the tables. Why pancakes? no idea, basically everyone with "classy modern thinking" must have pancakes with bacon and eggs with milk and juice plus coffee with daddy reading his papers and the kids having cereals and mum by the stove waiting to make more pancakes. Just like the movies.
Some, based on how they were brought up and carry on the vicious cycle of the values and teaching they have received from their parents. Putting in on their children, thinking that "this" is then the right kind of teaching they should receive not realizing the next generation will just be like them. Makes them  more like family maybe? Apparently these people thinks that they are "normal"but not quite there yet.
Some just wants to make a difference. Tries to give their children what they didnt have to begin with and end up getting lost somewhere because they do not have the slightest idea what to really do.

Which kind are you?

Im thinking i belong to the 3rd kind. Tried to make a difference and end up getting lost somewhere. Honestly , lets face it. NOBODY can make perfect parenting. But this is not a bad thing mainly because such is life sometimes. Life needs people of all kinds to create a certain balance. Its only when there is peace and equality, something is then wrong.

its only nobody wants to be at the bottom of the human class.

Its this kind of "society" makes me panic and wake up in the middle of the night thinking what am i going to do next. Im having a race with time, at the rate zyon is growing up day by day..
The ignorance level of autism is nearly zero in the "society" that i live in, and yes its affecting me. Its affecting my son. - Thats wat i thought.

However i have come to realise, i maybe wrong. It is affecting me somehow, but zyon is living his life stronger than me. I admire my child.
He views the world in his own way, handles his stress in his own way even though not being understood by the people around him. People we see as important, friends and family. He faces this world technically by himself. And he is only 5. He thinks and acts straight forwardly, doesnt think about embarrassment, isnt afraid to have no friends, does what he feels like doing, focus on what interests him, have no issues with time, not caring on how to make others happy so he is liked and not being disliked.

Isnt this all what we all really want but yet we cant do it?

My son is 5, and he is stronger than the people around him.

I admire my son's way of life, i salute his thinking towards life. I thought as a mother i should be teaching him about the world. But no, my son is teaching me about life.

The "Sibling Syndrome"

Look at how my prince has become  a fine young man..

Zyon has been attending his EIPIC Program and if u want me to comment on his overall acceptance of the program, I would say more or less it did help him.

As he grows, zyon has shown signs of his improvement, but as a mother with the extra spot of emotions, I tend to givr in to him most of the time.. yeah in a way im failing.. but like all the mothers in the world, I love the smile on my baby's face and no  matter how old he gets, he will always be a baby to me. 

However,  I now have another bigger issue, the sibling syndrome.

As u all know I have a baby girl too. A wat u would call "normal" child. She turns 3 this year and have no knowledge of the world, still believes that clouds are made up of cotton and santa claus is real. She doesnt know why her brother refuses to play with her, talk to her and hits her when they try to fight over a toy. I tried explaining and of cos zonya doesn't understand and she resents her brother even though as human, deep in her she still loves and cares for her brother.

Issues among siblings, as a mother I know it can never be prevented and it would mean fights, lots of crying and yelling as well as punishments. But as a mother of a child that has autism and a child that is "normal", fights would seem more than just toy issues,  cryings and yellings would seem to affect everyone and punishments would seem as cruelty. How do i gauge and create the balance? I have no idea. 

Fighting about toys, i emphasize the fact that all toys are to be shared, and the cryings and protestings starts making me wanting to punish the both of them but on what grounds? Its not that Zyon wants to fight but he doesnt know how to manage his "attraction" toward that toy and zonya just wants to claim "whats mine" to herself because the feeling of being neglected that her brother gets all the love and attention. Then comes the crying and yellings where zonya would start crying and zyon starts to have a meltdown due to the stress of him wanting something but doesnt get it. Times like this nobody would quieten down and listen to wat mummy has to say… so i turn to punishment. 

Punishment, the biggest issue i have on hand.

Basically, to put myself in zyon's point of view, he did no wrong, and to punish him for something he would not understand what went wrong is not exactly fair, even if i throw in an hour's long of explanation as to why i do that, i guess even a typical child like zonya at 5 will not be able to understand. And to put myself in Zonya's point of view, she is jealous of all the attention that zyon has and the times where zyon goes "scot free" for the "baby crimes" he does whereas zonya is being stopped. Thus not fair too. To strike the balance of being fair honestly, as mummy im having a huge headache. Cos either way, it doesnt work "that way". 

I actually understood the importance of the "sibling syndrome" years back when i first started researching on autism. However along the way i neglected the fact that it was an issue that i would not be able to run away from and now its time that i face it. Having to be fair, i guess the first step i would do is probably split my weekends to spending time with each of them alone. One day mummy all to each of them , a weekend each. To get to the next level i guess would definitely require me to really plan my strategy. (wipes sweat**)

Let me think on more ways to get the kidlets to overcome this new syndrome and see how well it will work? lol

The year 2014

Havent blogged in a while, feeling like a phase of lost time, time gaps.. tough 2013 and unknowingly its mid 2014.

If you have been following my blogs about zyon's updates, i would like to apologize that i havent updated much for so long. zyon is 5 this year, although i still have no idea how is my son dealing with himself in his world filled with colors but i havent stopped trying to see his world. 

5 years old, how my zyon has grown :)

Fatter, (lol)

taller.

Its the year where he is going to take his IQtest for his enrolment into primary school… keeping my fingers crossed.

For those who had read my posts from the beginning, you should know that zyon did not used to talk. Now , he sings, says things word by word. How hard my son is trying makes me weep with heartache and with joy. 

Rhymes and songs, zyon enjoys them and singing makes him relieve his stress. 

But he is beginning to show more of facial expressions, twitching of his face and recently starts to hit himself… signs of which as a mother i was hoping never to have to face, as a mother (too) that has done her researched, this was expected. 

Now as he grows, more and more i will be expecting, 

more and more he will be going through…

This shall be a journey we both will go through together… for the rest of our lives. Stay with me here as i continue updating my journey with my special son.