Mother, you create me

****ps: please be prepared that there may be some crude comments and words used. But no offense to anyone out there, i still respect each and everyone especially doctors. Wat is written is plainly just views of my own. Should i offend you, i would first like to apologize, pardon me for using some offensive words. *****

This morning, the house was extreme chaotic. And recently alot of issues had happened at home and boy was it rough.

What made things rough?
Ignorance.

As u all know i moved from my mum's place over to my aunt's, it began with lots of love, patience and loads of understanding and gradually moved on to a point where people start getting fedup.

Zyon has autism.

This is something that i have to constantly remind the older generations living together with me. Now that they have started screaming becos of how "zyon is climbing up and down the sofas again!!!" , "zyon is going to spoil the dvd player if he continues to change the dvds constantly" and "zyon simply doesnt listen!!!!"

Know wat? Im sick of all these crap. Sick of telling them the "issues" that my son has. And so i retaliated back at them in their way, screaming "a normal child would not listen and do things according to ur ways, wat makes u think a child with autism will listen just cos u r screaming??????"  Honestly, the scariest part in raising a special needs child is not about the child at all, its the " normal" people that is around the child.
People only want to listen to wat they wanna hear so at the end of the day the only conclusion of a pack of crazy bitches could come up with was the typical - blame the mother issue. That the mother (me) spoilt the child.
I am the mother. Zyon is my responsibility, and when he grows up, im his only frend, his only support, his only dependant kin. In short im his everything! Are these people going to take responsibility of what he will turn out to be? No. So dun judge me on how i teach my child. Im his mother, i only want the best for my child. Like it or not suck it in and accept the fact that im the responsible one and i will do it my way.
They said im the only one that can control him, why dun they see that the reason is becos i listen to my child? Why dun they learn that screaming will not help anything and that using my strategy on zyon will infact help them handle his meltdowns and tantrums????? Nope they have to think that screaming helps and my ways are madness. Its ironic isnt it? Humans. I dunno whether we have evoluted to being dumb or just plain retards. Selfish and contradicting.

Imagine the stress im having, i can only think that zyon is having a worse time compared to wat im facing. And my heart breaks. But look at him. He went to school this morning and we were late due to traffic, by the time we got to school the assembly hall was empty and everyone was already in class. His classroom was pretty far from the hall , and there was a long stretch of road with stairs to get to his classroom. My son with autism, carried his bag, singingnhis nursery rhymes, with a big smile on his face walked all by himself all the way to his classroom!!! With no help.

He never fails to surprise me and impress me all at the same time.

I was so happy and im still having that happy feel in me while im typing this out! This made me realise however that yeah i have become slightly over protective of my child... hahahahaha its like he can do all these!!! And in my heart i was really..... content! How much has my baby grown.... how many things he can do already!! Im so proud of my baby..

Then while thinking of zyon, his future, i cant help but ponder wats next.
Recently we went to the hospital for a checkup and spoke to the doctor. In terms of his education which by the way is considered the most important thing im singapore, i have decided to wipe pathlight school off.
I mean i was really excited about that school and everything, it was a haven to me. But i didnt think that was it really what my child need? See till date zyon still refuses to hold a pencil or pen and of cos he is not exactly interested in writing words, solving math problems and sorting out shapes as per how its supposed to be learnt. He sees words as letters, math as numbers and shapes as just shapes. He sees all these not in an academic way but more of his own creation. He makes up music and sings all the time , counts all the time and have fun like he wants it to be. Its not wrong. Everyone sees things in their own way and solves problems in their own way , thats wat makes us different isnt it? The only thing is zyon doesnt judge. But every other people judge him. Life is never fair. It definitely not fair to my child. At least thats wat i think.

Back to pathlight. Its an awesome school catered to children with autism. But able to score academically.  Its not easy to get into pathlight, they will have to see zyon's iq tests in order to qualify to get into the school, there is just that number of positions, just that no. Of children they can take it, so filtering is not choice but a must. Zyon can get it, but to maintain his position in the school solely depends on his academic results. Now the question is, do i want this for my child? The pressure of a mainstream curriculum in a school catered for children with autism, or do i want him to focus more on lifeskills and less pressure? To be happy?
Special education is available. And the center i have chosen is AWWA. They have their own curriculum and its catered for autism children from 7 all the way to 18. It is a pretty good option. I have been thru a mainstream school, faced tests, gone thru essays, series of examinations for an education that have not been much help to me in the working world. That kind of stress for the normal child that i was , i hated it. And to put my special needs child thru that same ordeal i had , its just killing me.  I have discussed with a couple of close frends in regards to education for my child and they all came back with a same thinking, "lets just see what the doctor says".

To me is doctors would not be where they are now if there werent tests and years of research, observance and experiments done on real human beings to give them the knowledge. All these printed on textbooks, read and learnt by normal humans ,go thru series of tests and examinations , weeks of nights burnt off trying to memorize the longest name of a certain prescription,  understanding the formula of dosages , cause and effects of drugs activating in a human body, and when lucky enough based on the understanding of medicine , biology , these normal people graduate and work in hospitals where trials and errors start giving them experiences and years later boom they are doctors. A pen with written notes can determine how much drugs is going into your body , drugs that may prolong your life, drugs that may destroy your organs. In short control your life.
These doctors sit down in a 45mins session with your child that has a label "autism" big and bold in black on the medical file, again with a pen and a piece of paper write notes and ticks in the small boxes beside the little printed words on another piece of paper which they call a test sheet then sentence your child with a decision of mainstream or special education curriculum, and as another normal human being u are becos u din study medicine, u simply just listen to doctors and proceed with watever they say and make a decision that will change a child's life forever. This is something i cant bring myself to do.

I dont know what is medicine, i dont know the history of doctors, i dont know how autism was diagnosed and named , i dont know the names of prescriptions, i dont know what drugs can do to you. Im not a graduate. I have no certificate.

Wat i know is im a mother of a child with autism,  the child i carried in my womb for 10 months, gave birth to and handled all by myself since they day he came into this world. The child who i see grow, the child whom i bathed for and fed , the child who's first education of life came from me. Years of companionship just me and my child comparing to a doctor with a 45mins session with my child. I figured i am the only one that knows wat is better for my son.

However i cant help but feel lost. One single decision i make will change my son's life. This is what im nervous and scared about.. what am i to do?