the 3 words my son never says but shows me everyday

"I LOVE YOU"

He tries his best to accept what is asked of him on a daily basis whether or not he likes it or being able to accept it. Simple actions, expected reactions for us, to us, from us seem so insignificant and expected, but is probably killing him inside, he just does it.
because he loves us.

"I am Sorry"

When he suffers from a meltdown, reluctance and unwillingness but unable to express through words for me to understand.
He tries to show he is sorry by hugging me tightly. Its amazing that how such a simple gesture, can create such intense and complicated emotion between us.
It brings out just how sorry he is for hurting us incontrollably.
By Hurting, its not only emotionally, its physically. Many a times my baby doesn't realise he is a big boy now and his strength is equivalent to a "Baby Hulk"- thats what i call him.

.. and the one way to give them the I LOVE YOU that they need,

the 3 words from us
patience, love, inclusion

No more zyon jumping on the bed.

hi peeps~ another week has gone by and oh dear what a hectic one... my life on a daily basis is so adventurous !!

so just to catch up, school holidays had officially started last weekend and i know right to many kids it will be "YAY!!!!!" But this holiday... zyon suffered a hairline crack on his Big Toe.....

Plah!!! **facepalm**

Boys will be Boys!!!!!!! CHILDHOOD CAST.

ok this is like he broke his ankle or something but because doctors at the A&E seriously wanted to immobilise him hence the cast all the way up. Poor boy.
It all started because he was on my bed, hanging upside down and singing but lost control of his weight balance and fell off the bed! He screamed and cried like the worse ever. At this reaction, i knew something is broken somewhere but you know due to zyon being non verbal, he can't tell me where it hurts or how bad its hurting. My first thought was "ok, something is not right", so i carried my 40kg son in my arms and called for a cab and shot straight to the hospital.

The nurses were really helpful after i told them about zyon's condition and we went straight in to the X-Ray room and check on where exactly is broken. My Poor boy... He didn't allow anyone to touch his sore toe but endured and eventually without any struggles, he allowed the doctor to cast him up. After we went home, i laughed at him and sang him his favourite nursery rhyme :
(i know right he is 8 but lol my baby hulk is a nursery rhyme junkie)

"one little zyon jumping on the bed,
he fell off and hurt his leg,
then mommy called the doctor and the doctor said,
no more zyon jumping on the bed"

hahaha!!!!!! he covered his face with his hands and smiled and smiled, embarrassed!! so i said "ah ha!!!! guilty as served!!!" he laughed.

Such an Angel.

you know, I'm so proud of my baby. He always does his best.

His waking up everyday smiling and singing may seem mediocre to many people, but to me, it stands for so much courage. I have never met anyone else thats braver and real as him.

Every single day he faces challenges, real challenges that we take for granted. He always tries his best! and honestly, i wouldn't be able to handle it as well as he does.

I love my baby so so much....

He will be going back for an X ray tomorrow, keeping my fingers crossed i hope all is well and that he will be able to finally get the cast off and start enjoying his holiday!!

Virtual Reality? **PART 1**

Technology is slowly taking over the world, and as much as it is frowned upon, many too find it really helpful. As you all know, Zyon have been inseparable with his iPad and really relies it on a daily basis. In fact as a non verbal child on the spectrum, till now he is singing and saying many things  that he learnt from the internet world.

The only thing I haven’t done is invite technology to dinner as a way to say a big thank you!

I have met many parents that have commented that taking away their iPads are the best thing that can ever happen. I too have thought about it but yeah am still procrastinating. First thing first, without the iPad there is literally nothing Zyon can do. Living in a country that is basically a city, too crowded for anything would actually mean there is no backyard for him to play in, working mother is never around during the day on a weekday, other than the iPad, there is nothing Zyon can do. So, instead of taking his one and only entertainment away , I might as well focus on what I can do with technology to further my son’s daily activities!

Ok enough of “introducing technology” - autopilot of self defense mechanism - and today I’m not even really talking about iPad or any Apple products, I’m gonna talk about Oculus VR by Samsung. 

Tadah! (VR Oculus with Samsung s8plus)

Ok, back in August, Zyon and I went out for a walk in the mall and we came across the Samsung booth promoting their great offers for National Day. As I had previously already read about what impact virtual reality can have on children on the spectrum, I decided hey why not let Zyon have a go to see his reaction to the virtual world. 

In the beginning, it was all no movement because he was shocked, he kept looking up and down basically because it’s a 360 degree view. Then, he started moving his feet, and from his body actions, you can see that he was actually afraid he would fall and to step forward 😂. He held my hands so tight and I kept reassuring him that “mommy is just right here” , the next thing that happened made me wept! With tears of Joy. 

Zyon’s first ever sentence, describing what he saw 

“Wow! Look at all the stars!!!”

OMG. 

That was the first time in my 8 years with my son, hearing him say a short sentence describing what he saw. I couldn't contain my joy, I was laughing and laughing and felt so happy! 

I texted his teachers, and everyone was thrilled at this amazing response Zyon had. I wanted to buy it on the spot! But!!! here's the catch, this gadget is not cheap at all..... its actually quite pricey. As Oculus is only compatible with Samsung S7 onwards , just the smart phone alone is equivalent to an iPhone and more expensive than an iPad. 

We then explored the VR apps like planets, animals and Disney. These apps are free for download in the Oculus web and there are so many educational choices. example : nat geo and discovery

Honestly I was really tempted to buy it on the spot but wow it was just too expensive, and for it to be affordable, I will have to save some more. haha. During this saving period I did quite a lot of research  on the gadget itself to make sure that the price is justifiable and that it will really be helpful. Ok, I have to admit there is hell lot of games, and if you are a gamer, I can tell you, this gadget is a godsend. 

But im really just into their educational part. Apps like for learning about dinosaurs, animals and planets. Just reading about it online makes me excited! So next month its his 8th birthday, we decided to get him the gadget!!!! And see where it brings him :)

Ok, so if you wanna know more about the gadget, I have linked them below. Take a look and evaluate on whether you think its worth it *winks winks*

I will update on more when he starts using it!! till then!

VR Oculus : https://www.oculus.com

samsung : http://www.samsung.com/sg/smartphones/galaxy-s8/

                 http://www.samsung.com/global/galaxy/galaxy-s7/

VR for autism : https://www.autismspeaks.org/science/science-news/virtual-reality-training-improves-social-skills-and-brain-activity

                         http://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S0747563216303089

upcoming blog : "The 3 words my son never says, but shows me everyday" 

To all the ignorant people in the world

NO! They are NOT dangerous and Autism is NOT contagious! So stop judging and stop giving Children or adults with Autism weird looks and stares!

When you are looking and judging them with that "thought" in your head, we are looking and judging you at how RUDE you really are.

Please, to all the ignorant people out there, autism is NOT contagious. Your "normal" child would not catch "it" so do NOT pull your children away just because there is an Autistic child in the playground as well. You are sooooooo gXX - damn RUDE.

Just so you know they process, think and feel like an individual.
Learn to educate yourself, this is already the 21st century!

Read this article from the link, from an Autistic child.


http://blog.theautismsite.com/autism-not-bad/?utm_source=aut-autaware&utm_medium=social-fb&utm_term=021516&utm_content=link&utm_campaign=autism-not-bad&origin=aut_autaware_social_fb_link_autism-not-bad_021516

Something to share on "Whats next?"

Hi Guys,

Click on the link to check out Autism Speaks Staffer Kerry Magro's talk on TEDXTALK on "Autism, what happens to children when they become adults?"

“It’s a lifelong disorder. Our kids are growing up, and we have to be ready for them. When they transition to adulthood questions that arise are things such as…will my child be able to find a job? Will my child be able to go to college? Will my child be able to find supports after they age out of school? Will my child be able to live independently or need a group home? Will my child be supported financially? Will my child be able to find love one day? And finally…Will my family take care of my child when I’m gone?”

Im sure many parents, infact all parents have this question running through their head and this is the utmost question we ask ourselves every single day whilst watching our children grow up. 

https://www.autismspeaks.org/news/news-item/inspiring-talk-answers-039what-will-happen-my-child-when-i039m-gone039

Independence is priceless

Recently, Zyon has been showing signs that he is a big boy. 

Making decisions like when he wants to shower, what he wants from the fridge. 

Cleanliness has always been quite systematic for Zyon at home. More like when is it time to shower was originally decided by the adults, me when I'm at home. All i had to do was watch the time and tell him "Zyon, its time to shower! Grab your towel!!" And you will see my baby no matter what he is doing at that time or which part of the house he happens to be in, running to grab his towel and head towards the toilet. 

But now, without anyone saying anything, he walks straight to the toilet, takes off all his clothes and close the door. Before you know it, the sound of splashing water comes on. Not just because he feels warm, but basically I'm guessing it's because of his own personal hygiene. Why do i say this? Because even if he just showered half an hour ago, he would still proceed to shower again if he went to poop. 

Honestly speaking, i feel so proud of him. Its like he is beginning to grab hold of the fact that he has a choice. That he can make choices. Even if it is as simple as deciding himself when he wants to take a shower. Of course the crazy old ladies at home made it seem like its another troublesome issue/ phase Zyon is having because although he knows that he wants a shower but technically he is not able to shower himself just yet, hence it is something that requires assistance from the adults. They just thought he was being "naughty" and troublesome. 

If you have been following my blog you should know that I'm a mother that doesn't very much constrict my children. So i told Zyon what he did was right and I'm so very proud of him. Irregardless of whether it is troublesome or not, in my point of view, my son is showing signs of independence! 

I Cant be More PROUD!!

I held onto him, hugged him tight and look at his face to get his attention, and i told him,

"Mommy is so proud of you! Well done! You are a big boy now :)! Well done!!!"

His reaction to me, though short but sweet. He looked at me with eye contact, smiled then ran off to his books. 

Although I'm not exactly supported by family members who thinks i "condone" my son to doing whatever he wants and likes and i drown him in love. But really, is it? 

I do not deny that i do give him what he wants but it also depends on what exactly is it that he wants! Though not many people don't think in that way. 

Today in this society, many parents are more concerned with adherence to social convention than the progress their children are making. And i do not support that. 

YES, we all want our children to be "normal" like all the other children you see. But honestly what exactly is "normal"? How do you define normal? Doing the same things like everyone is doing? 

Mr A sleeps at 9 am and wakes up at 9pm, seeing this, Mr B does the same thing. Then came Mr C, D,E,F,G etc etc. Then are we to conclude that sleep time from 9am to 9 pm is the "normal"? Thats rubbish. I know the earth doesn't just belong to 1 person. I know the society is created and works in a way that it is able to accommodate to everyone from all over the world. But really? Do i want to follow suit just so i may be accepted as part of the society? That is my only way? To prove my worth in existing? 

Reluctantly and very Sadly, yes.

But i still want to make a difference. Because sometimes i do believe strongly that "you could still want something that is very unlikely to happen, happen". 

I can't change the world, i don't want to. Im not a saint neither can i force anyone to do anything just because i think it is right.  Because everybody in the world speaks their own kind of language, live by their own rules. 

But at least i can make a difference for my son. Im building his foundation. I am preparing his future. I believe in building the right foundation, come rain or shine, he will never fall. 

Autism isn't a fault. Its a variant. it's potentially a major advantage. It is associated with organisation, focus, innovative thinking and rational detachment. Isn't all these points what we all aim to achieve? what we all strive so hard everyday to achieve? 

But my son already achieved it. He is only 6. And he will only be much more evolved than his peers. The world is too slow for Autism. 

Don't ever be happy because you are normal. Normal is nothing. Whether or not you are able to do something or achieve something in your life makes no difference to anyone. Whether or not you exist, the earth still spins. 

But Autism, they take in every single bit of this world and create using all of it. This is something us "normal" people can't do. 

don't you think? 

Its a brand new year. 2016, the year of Zyon.

To the readers that have been following my blog on Autism and progress of my son, i apologise, I haven't been blogging on the updates of my baby boy for quite a while now and yes i am ashamed of myself.

Life has been hectic and i have been lost for quite a while. Lost in my own world, working and running away from problems. Again, i am ashamed of myself, but my self awareness tells me, I'm just human. So kindly pardon me. And pardon yourself.

For the past 1 year, Zyon has been attending classes in AWWA. A special school for children with special needs in Singapore if you don't know what that meant, the full name of it would be Asian Women's Welfare Association.
This (may i say) Institution actually caters for children with all kinds of special needs and not just solely on autism. And like what i have mentioned previously in my earlier blogs, Zyon had to go for the EIPIC program, AWWA was where he was supposed to be stationed at until he reaches the age of 7. Which by the way is this year :)

I must say my son has progressed a lot through his years in AWWA, or rather the EIPIC program and I'm seriously grateful to all the teachers that have helped him along the way. He graduated from his preschool Maris Stella Kindergarten and things have been going on as normal. Although I'm not really sure if he misses Maris Stella, because no matter what, he had been going to the school for the past 4 years. Preschool, the foundation of life and society. Its technically the first place in your life where you get to come in contact with people that has got nothing to do with your family in any way possible, do things that you didn't have to to compromise the fact that this world is home to other people other than yours too. So I'm guessing... nah probably Zyon is happy not going to school. Haha

Currently, even though the new year has begun and every child starts a new school term, Zyon is still attending AWWA. Well like what i have mentioned, AWWA is only able to take him till he reaches 7 so technically he wasn't supposed to be in AWWA anymore. However, the special school that we had picked would not be available for his enrolment until April this year and he had no other schools to attend, so he was placed in one of the classes in AWWA to continue brushing up his motor skills and such until his new school was ready for him.
If i did remember correctly, i actually blogged about the schools i had placed into consideration previously in my earlier posts. Those were Pathlight and St Andrews Autism school. And I'm pretty sure i did mention on why i decided that i did not want him to be placed into Pathlight as much as i thought its really a haven made for every autistic child.
Yep, St Andrews was my ultimate choice and AWWA worked with me to get him a place in the school. I can't tell you how excited i was when AWWA told me that it shouldn't be a problem for zyon to get a place in the school and that they would send a recommendation letter with all the relevant documents that was required. They have been such great help to me.

Anyways, all these happened last year and they told me that i would only get an interview with the school in Jan 2016. So Zyon had an exceptionally long holiday that started in mid november. January came and true enough we got the notification call from St Andrews Autism school notifying us that the interview to see zyon would be on the 15th of february at 2pm. I felt so nervous and excited at the same time. First and foremost, i hadn't been to the school before and i have no idea what inside looks like, was it going to be like Pathlight? Was it going to be like any other normal school? Was it going to be like AWWA? Which would it be?
And i just went on counting down each day with the same questions repeating over and over again in my mind.

Finally, the day came. Thank goodness i didn't push myself to insanity by all these questions going on in my head.
We went for lunch and went to the school. I told zyon as we walked into the premises that this was a new school for him. Then proceeded to meet up with the staff of the school, they needed to evaluate Zyon. We were then told that he had to spend probably and hour and a half with one of the teacher and as parents we were going to be interviewed by another.
The interview was about Zyon's behaviours at home and getting to know him better through the mouth of his parents, and yes, again i have to go through this. Remembering the first time when he got diagnosed, how he came to terms to new environments, his tantrums and such etc etc.

After the interview, i went to look around the school, the classes, cafeteria and pool. They have all kinds of therapies and it seemed really decent. Its not exactly as heaven like as Pathlight but yes its decent. And its like a whole new world in there.
I was mostly comfortable in their facilities and environment, but one place in there scares me.

"The Calming Room"

Ok, when you see the words "Calming Room" , your first natural vision would be white cushioned room maybe with a comfy sofa and toys probably. But no.... when i saw the calming room, it was a squared small room with padded walls and it was grey in color. Nothing else.
Nothing. Else.

My first words were,
"it sure looks like a punishment room instead of a calming one".

It might have seemed rude but that was my first instinct as a mother.
The teacher assured me that its not a punishment room with an awkward smile and i returned one awkward smile back to her.

As we were leaving the school, i can't help but think about the "Calming Room". I mean, i know its probably such because we don't want to provoke their senses with flamboyant colors visually to stress them but really? Grey??? Even Mental institutions uses white color..... ok as a mother, i know how stressful it can be when you have to deal with a normal child's tantrums not to mention the meltdowns of a child with autism! Hence part of me was fearing it might not be that calming after all. And that in the world of Autism, "Calming" seemed like a punishment.

However, brushing all these aside, i think i wouldn't mind to let Zyon try to spend some time in this school and see if he adapts to it... I'm hoping it all turns out well and I'm keeping my fingers crossed.

Reading till here, last year i got an email from a lady asking me questions about autism. Here is a shout out to all of you out there, i know I'm not a doctor and I'm not exactly a professional but i sure do know about Autism. And if you are a parent that just came into contact with this genetic disorder recently and want to know more or, if you are feeling stressed up and just needed some support and having someone to talk to, you are more than welcome to email me and i will reply to you.

Lets stay strong for our children. Nobody is alone in this.
For parents who's considering medication or even some invasive electrifying brain procedures, please remember, our children are NOT sick. They don't need that. They need only your acceptance.

And most important of all, your LOVE.

My email address is : kingyomama@gmail.com

Communication device gives me hopes

http://blog.theautismsite.com/angrykreedcommunicates/?utm_source=social&utm_medium=autaware-paid&utm_campaign=angrykreedcommunicates&utm_term=20141125

Dear all parents with kids that is on the spectrum.... take a look at the video i shared 😊 if u r thinking of whether or not to get a device, this is awesomely helpful~~~~

Zyon zyon wat do u see? I see mommy looking at me~~~

Bought zyon a 2nd hand book by eric carle who is very famous for his illustrations and story of "the very hungry caterpillar" the last time called "polar bear polar bear wat do u hear?". And i have no idea how he went on to sing it as a song that goes :-

"Polar bear polar bear wat do u see?
I see a lion looking at me~~~"

And he went on the same melody but saying the right animals for the rest of the book. He loved that book and now its kindda tattered and torn but still its his favorite book.

Went to kinokuniya the other day and saw the book "brown bear brown bear wat do u see?" And he was thrilled!!! Then he started singing and went on to the next page "i see a red bird looking at me" 😄😄😄😄 totally awesome! !!! Another surprise to me from my precious lil baby.....

So i thot maybe i can try "the very hungry caterpillar" next... hm..... i wonder... cos personally i have no idea wat that stoey is about actually but it seems zyon is very into its illustrations! I shall explore more and update again 😊😊😊

Cheers ppl!!!

Mother, you create me

****ps: please be prepared that there may be some crude comments and words used. But no offense to anyone out there, i still respect each and everyone especially doctors. Wat is written is plainly just views of my own. Should i offend you, i would first like to apologize, pardon me for using some offensive words. *****

This morning, the house was extreme chaotic. And recently alot of issues had happened at home and boy was it rough.

What made things rough?
Ignorance.

As u all know i moved from my mum's place over to my aunt's, it began with lots of love, patience and loads of understanding and gradually moved on to a point where people start getting fedup.

Zyon has autism.

This is something that i have to constantly remind the older generations living together with me. Now that they have started screaming becos of how "zyon is climbing up and down the sofas again!!!" , "zyon is going to spoil the dvd player if he continues to change the dvds constantly" and "zyon simply doesnt listen!!!!"

Know wat? Im sick of all these crap. Sick of telling them the "issues" that my son has. And so i retaliated back at them in their way, screaming "a normal child would not listen and do things according to ur ways, wat makes u think a child with autism will listen just cos u r screaming??????"  Honestly, the scariest part in raising a special needs child is not about the child at all, its the " normal" people that is around the child.
People only want to listen to wat they wanna hear so at the end of the day the only conclusion of a pack of crazy bitches could come up with was the typical - blame the mother issue. That the mother (me) spoilt the child.
I am the mother. Zyon is my responsibility, and when he grows up, im his only frend, his only support, his only dependant kin. In short im his everything! Are these people going to take responsibility of what he will turn out to be? No. So dun judge me on how i teach my child. Im his mother, i only want the best for my child. Like it or not suck it in and accept the fact that im the responsible one and i will do it my way.
They said im the only one that can control him, why dun they see that the reason is becos i listen to my child? Why dun they learn that screaming will not help anything and that using my strategy on zyon will infact help them handle his meltdowns and tantrums????? Nope they have to think that screaming helps and my ways are madness. Its ironic isnt it? Humans. I dunno whether we have evoluted to being dumb or just plain retards. Selfish and contradicting.

Imagine the stress im having, i can only think that zyon is having a worse time compared to wat im facing. And my heart breaks. But look at him. He went to school this morning and we were late due to traffic, by the time we got to school the assembly hall was empty and everyone was already in class. His classroom was pretty far from the hall , and there was a long stretch of road with stairs to get to his classroom. My son with autism, carried his bag, singingnhis nursery rhymes, with a big smile on his face walked all by himself all the way to his classroom!!! With no help.

He never fails to surprise me and impress me all at the same time.

I was so happy and im still having that happy feel in me while im typing this out! This made me realise however that yeah i have become slightly over protective of my child... hahahahaha its like he can do all these!!! And in my heart i was really..... content! How much has my baby grown.... how many things he can do already!! Im so proud of my baby..

Then while thinking of zyon, his future, i cant help but ponder wats next.
Recently we went to the hospital for a checkup and spoke to the doctor. In terms of his education which by the way is considered the most important thing im singapore, i have decided to wipe pathlight school off.
I mean i was really excited about that school and everything, it was a haven to me. But i didnt think that was it really what my child need? See till date zyon still refuses to hold a pencil or pen and of cos he is not exactly interested in writing words, solving math problems and sorting out shapes as per how its supposed to be learnt. He sees words as letters, math as numbers and shapes as just shapes. He sees all these not in an academic way but more of his own creation. He makes up music and sings all the time , counts all the time and have fun like he wants it to be. Its not wrong. Everyone sees things in their own way and solves problems in their own way , thats wat makes us different isnt it? The only thing is zyon doesnt judge. But every other people judge him. Life is never fair. It definitely not fair to my child. At least thats wat i think.

Back to pathlight. Its an awesome school catered to children with autism. But able to score academically.  Its not easy to get into pathlight, they will have to see zyon's iq tests in order to qualify to get into the school, there is just that number of positions, just that no. Of children they can take it, so filtering is not choice but a must. Zyon can get it, but to maintain his position in the school solely depends on his academic results. Now the question is, do i want this for my child? The pressure of a mainstream curriculum in a school catered for children with autism, or do i want him to focus more on lifeskills and less pressure? To be happy?
Special education is available. And the center i have chosen is AWWA. They have their own curriculum and its catered for autism children from 7 all the way to 18. It is a pretty good option. I have been thru a mainstream school, faced tests, gone thru essays, series of examinations for an education that have not been much help to me in the working world. That kind of stress for the normal child that i was , i hated it. And to put my special needs child thru that same ordeal i had , its just killing me.  I have discussed with a couple of close frends in regards to education for my child and they all came back with a same thinking, "lets just see what the doctor says".

To me is doctors would not be where they are now if there werent tests and years of research, observance and experiments done on real human beings to give them the knowledge. All these printed on textbooks, read and learnt by normal humans ,go thru series of tests and examinations , weeks of nights burnt off trying to memorize the longest name of a certain prescription,  understanding the formula of dosages , cause and effects of drugs activating in a human body, and when lucky enough based on the understanding of medicine , biology , these normal people graduate and work in hospitals where trials and errors start giving them experiences and years later boom they are doctors. A pen with written notes can determine how much drugs is going into your body , drugs that may prolong your life, drugs that may destroy your organs. In short control your life.
These doctors sit down in a 45mins session with your child that has a label "autism" big and bold in black on the medical file, again with a pen and a piece of paper write notes and ticks in the small boxes beside the little printed words on another piece of paper which they call a test sheet then sentence your child with a decision of mainstream or special education curriculum, and as another normal human being u are becos u din study medicine, u simply just listen to doctors and proceed with watever they say and make a decision that will change a child's life forever. This is something i cant bring myself to do.

I dont know what is medicine, i dont know the history of doctors, i dont know how autism was diagnosed and named , i dont know the names of prescriptions, i dont know what drugs can do to you. Im not a graduate. I have no certificate.

Wat i know is im a mother of a child with autism,  the child i carried in my womb for 10 months, gave birth to and handled all by myself since they day he came into this world. The child who i see grow, the child whom i bathed for and fed , the child who's first education of life came from me. Years of companionship just me and my child comparing to a doctor with a 45mins session with my child. I figured i am the only one that knows wat is better for my son.

However i cant help but feel lost. One single decision i make will change my son's life. This is what im nervous and scared about.. what am i to do?

"Mummy, life is not how u live"

Rushed home last night after work to spend some time with the kidlets.. The moment i opened the door screams of "mummy"!! came and zyon smiled, the widest smile :) Sometimes it just makes me feel stress free just looking at their smiles.. nothing beats the smiles of the people you love..

Being mummy is hard and honestly, im not the perfect kind of mummy. Friends asks me, do i regret having the kidlets. My answer ? Yeah. In a way.

Had i known bringing zyon to this world would make him go through the ugly side of how humanity has created the "society" i would never have my baby. Humanity, comes with a huge load of irony and contradictions. That makes it hard to live. To live is not difficult, whats difficult is the process of living. Me alone is not able to make a difference on how to make the environment better enough for the benefit of my child, or rather children with special needs. Everyone is working on their children based on their own way of living, their own thots. Getting people to know about Autism and other special needs, more has to be done.

Some parents are wat we call "normal" family. No thots, only try to create the "model" family that everyone looks, envies and agrees. Have breakfast in the morning, sends the kids to school, have dinner together, supervise homeworks, send kids to extra curriculum lessons, etiquette teachings, family day on sunday with pancakes on the tables. Why pancakes? no idea, basically everyone with "classy modern thinking" must have pancakes with bacon and eggs with milk and juice plus coffee with daddy reading his papers and the kids having cereals and mum by the stove waiting to make more pancakes. Just like the movies.
Some, based on how they were brought up and carry on the vicious cycle of the values and teaching they have received from their parents. Putting in on their children, thinking that "this" is then the right kind of teaching they should receive not realizing the next generation will just be like them. Makes them  more like family maybe? Apparently these people thinks that they are "normal"but not quite there yet.
Some just wants to make a difference. Tries to give their children what they didnt have to begin with and end up getting lost somewhere because they do not have the slightest idea what to really do.

Which kind are you?

Im thinking i belong to the 3rd kind. Tried to make a difference and end up getting lost somewhere. Honestly , lets face it. NOBODY can make perfect parenting. But this is not a bad thing mainly because such is life sometimes. Life needs people of all kinds to create a certain balance. Its only when there is peace and equality, something is then wrong.

its only nobody wants to be at the bottom of the human class.

Its this kind of "society" makes me panic and wake up in the middle of the night thinking what am i going to do next. Im having a race with time, at the rate zyon is growing up day by day..
The ignorance level of autism is nearly zero in the "society" that i live in, and yes its affecting me. Its affecting my son. - Thats wat i thought.

However i have come to realise, i maybe wrong. It is affecting me somehow, but zyon is living his life stronger than me. I admire my child.
He views the world in his own way, handles his stress in his own way even though not being understood by the people around him. People we see as important, friends and family. He faces this world technically by himself. And he is only 5. He thinks and acts straight forwardly, doesnt think about embarrassment, isnt afraid to have no friends, does what he feels like doing, focus on what interests him, have no issues with time, not caring on how to make others happy so he is liked and not being disliked.

Isnt this all what we all really want but yet we cant do it?

My son is 5, and he is stronger than the people around him.

I admire my son's way of life, i salute his thinking towards life. I thought as a mother i should be teaching him about the world. But no, my son is teaching me about life.

life's ups and downs moment..

Yesterday i was browsing my facebook page and there was no interesting "new facts", no lame videos about other people, no gossips of celebrities etc etc and i was just clicking away..*click click click*

Then i clicked on my photo albums and saw the categorized pictures of my kids thats been organized by their monthly growth.

I opened the files one by one and browsed picture by picture, looking at how much they have changed... especially zyon.

Zyon is my first born and naturally he has more photos than his sister. Each and every picture that i took of him has a different emotion. And each and every one of those pics are priceless. Pics of him growing up month by month, pics of him smiling and crying, eventually leading to being independant. The proud smiles on me and hub's face... etc. Then the pics now.

I know i shouldnt be feeling this but im a human after all. I didnt realize it but suddenly tears came rolling in my eyes. I asked myself,

"Just what happened in between then and now? The smiles, the eye contact he used to have.. where have they gone to?"

As im typing this now, the feelings are back. The negativity, the unacceptance even though im very clear on whats going on and the situation now. Its not that i have not accepted yet but i guess given to any mothers in the world, there must be once of twice in a couple of months you feel down and the sadness just clings on to you for that moment... Then its gone again.

I then updated my facebook on my feelings and thoughts... Then one of my closest friend said this to me :

me :

"Was looking at zyon's pics when he was a baby...... then started tearing... wanted to cry.... but.... i swallowed it back."

 

my friend:

"So this sweet 3-year old has to stick with his routine, makes his preferences very clear...sometimes deals with things and emotions differently, right? Maybe that's how some 3-year olds are...and some hv a diagnosis attached.

I guess today is just one of those days that hit you...why does your "normal" have to be so challenging, eh? Chin-up, Mama! It is ok to have such feelings and down days :)"

 

 

Im really grateful to have friends like that around me... and suddenly i felt stronger than before and more grateful towards life....

 

 

I love my baby boy and am thanking god i have him.... My kids complete me.

EIPIC program

Zyon went for his screening at SPD earlier this week, and the center assessed him, and decided on which class he is going to be allocate to and how many times a week he has to attend.

I know you must be thinking why not ARC right?

Initially, my first choice had always been ARC , and i wasnt wavered in anyway about changing that decision. Until i received a call a month later after our last appointment at KKH.  The caller was from CEL , his purpose in calling was to tell us more about the other options that we have and the purpose of CEL , the therapies in the different centers that provides EIPIC programs and the meaning of EIPIC.  You may already know, heard, found out about all the different kinds of therapies, help and about EIPIC, but its still part of the package that the caller has to repeat like it or not. But m really glad that the caller did his job even though he has to repeat and repeat himself calls after calls like a spoiled radio.

I always hung on to the decision of "no matter what happens or what i hear, the decision will be ARC". There have been too many times whereby i want something , get out to get it and come home with a different object. And coming to think abt it, this logic happens every single day to everyone at one point or another becos we all want something better. Regrets will come later. So i was determined that i will listen to this spoiled radio but my decision will be ARC. Im guilty cos honestly i really wasnt listening to whatever the caller was saying and i guess after saying the same things over n over again , he doesnt even know what he was talking about anymore. Our real conversation only started when he said and when i heard,

"The waiting time for ARC is 6months. " then continued "blah blah blahblah blah".

I stopped his blahing and rewinded , "wait,  6 months????? Oh dear ok what other alternatives do i have??"

Suddenly, the caller 'woke up' and came back to earth. And we started talking about the other options.

The reason why SPD was because its shorter in waiting time and even though its a new dept in terms of EIPIC program, they have the full set of therapists in terms of speech and occupational.  And ARC doesnt that those 2, we'll have to source elsewhere. So i decided based on these 2 facts its enough for me to have option 2 and not be too stubborn. I really hope we dont have to waste time waiting anymore.. its early intervention but by the time its finally our turn, its not early intervention anymore.

Ok, settled zy's EIPIC program issue, i thought i would have lesser worries, then comes another. While zy is in the class twice a week, the caregiver which is my husband has to be there but zonya is not allowed to be there.

OMG... how then?

Im working and hubs is with zy, who is gonna look after my little girl?? This i cant solve. Having the greatest headache cos apparently my family and relatives cant help.

So if u are reading this, drop me a solution if u have?? Thanks in advance !!!!

Cheers!

a blog to share

http://sg.news.yahoo.com/blogs/mrbrown/turning-twelve-090136439.html#more-id


The above link is to a blog from mrbrown. I teared when i read this post, not becos its sad but its so so beautiful..... read it!!!!!

A little info for sharing !#^_^

Watch "Essentials for Educators: High Functioning Autism & Asperger Syndrome" on YouTube

Progress n updates

Its been a while and zyon's been growing up day by day...

I've been really busy hence the delay in updating on zyon's progress. Plus everyone in the family has been taking turns in falling sick, the usual sore throat and runny nose... plah.... Oh and not to mention Chinese New Year just passed!!!! Busy like a bee..... buzzzzzzzz.

okok enough of ranting nonsense just to fill up the space while thinking how im gonna start writing this post hahahah *embarrased*

The good news is, Zyon has been really responsive but towards me the most :p now when i call out to him, i dont have to keep repeating like as though he cant seem to hear me, but he responds immediately. Running to me no matter where he is. Im so happy!!! Its like hey this is one of the things people tend to take for granted. However, lke i said , to me only.... hm....

The bad news is as he grows, i realised he is starting to have routines. Issues like his toy fell to the floor, he'll pick it up, throw it on the floor , pick it up again, throw it down, pick it up, throw it down and pick it up, then moves on with the toy finally in his hands. Or when zonya takes the toy from him, he will take my hand to gesture me to take it back from zonya, and when i got zonya to return him the toy, (which she will) then he takes it from her, return it to her and get my hand to take it from zonya. In other words he wants ME to take it from zonya and pass it back to him...

I have been waiting for Zyon's EIPIC program to start and i have specifically chosen the center where waiting time is a month's time. Thinking its really good that zyon can start early. But its almost 2 months now and nobody has informed me of anything yet. But zyon's school is doing something. HAHA. YEAH THE SCHOOL IS DOING SOMETHING.

Apparently, there is a special needs teacher in his school thats been liaising with him for a while now and she calls me from time to time to let me know about his progress in school. We've been working together rather closely now and the school is as nervous as i am in regards to the start of Zyon's EIPIC program. Finally i am more or less assured that this aint as bad as i thought. School's been quite ok and they've called, wrote and spoke to me. Lets see how it goes from here #^_^ Peace!!!!!!!!

im a super proud mother

hey... havent been updating for the longest time... phew... its been an overwhelming period of time.. ok first let me update on the last appointment in KK Hospital.

We brought zy for the appointment with the Psychologist in the hospital previously. Well, this time round, even though i felt its always "the same routine" , i kindda like the psychologist. Okok maybe becos she seemed so sincere and nice :)  When we arrived, she was so bubbly and fresh , calling out to zyon. I liked that. Probably because im so sick of professionals looking at my son like he is a "thing". An object. But this psychologist, shes nice.
When we started the session, she asked me questions that i think just KK alone, i have repeated like at least 6 times... even though on the file it already stated EVERYTHING (stare blankly). Anyways, she then started to play with zyon according to the system called..... hm.... ok i forgot what its called but its a series of toys and levels to see how he fares. She told me to just sit there and when im needed she will let me know. So i thought ... ok. I then kept very quiet and sat there watching them like a nosey stranger.

After her 1 hr session with zyon alone, she scribbled notes on her paper and told me to get zyon to do this and that. Zy cooperated nicely... *tink tink* hahaha then she started explaining to me what is her overall diagnosis.

She diagnosed my little baby boy " Classic Autism " - High functioning.

sigh.................

The reason for my sighing was because when it all started, i was hoping it isnt autism that im facing. But it turned out yes. Then i was hoping it would not be classic... turns out...... sigh........

However, she added that she was very optimistic about zy, because he listens to instructions. When she told zy to keep the toys, he did what he was told to do. So i told her that zy understands instructions given. And the best part was zy actually returned all the toys to her when he was told to!! even i was surprised!!!! He did really well. I then told her, "i read that children with Autism are very focused on certain things hence they will be able to excel in that area, m still trying to figure out what is zyon's strength, what can i do to help him?"
She looked at me with a surprised facial expression, then answered, "his strength is being able to understand everything! Children with Autism usually are not able to do that but for zyon, the reason why im so optimistic is because he is able to understand everything!"

I was shocked.

WOW.

At that moment, i felt so proud of my little boy. Its not that im not proud of him before knowing this, but im extra extra proud when i heard those words coming out from a professional psychologist!!  But i felt a little sad after fully digesting it. Because it would have meant that zyon had undergone a certain amount of pressure to be able to achieve this and it must have felt bad... although im always there, but as humans we all have moments of loneliness... but we are capable of expressing and talking to friends or family to make us feel better. For zyon, its hard for him to express and he is non verbal yet.... it must have been really hard on him...

Anyways, after that appointment, we went for the last appointment in terms of his diagnosis.  The doctor told me again what the psychologist said and explained in a more detailed manner. Then i asked her about school.

"Can u tell me after all these years of seeing so many children diagnosed wth Autism, what are the chances of zyon going to a mainstream school?" i was so nervous when i asked her this that i felt like puking.

"hm....... i guess you will have to consider pathlight or eden. To be able to go to a mainstream school, im looking at 10%. "

*sigh* Thank goodness i already checked out these 2 schools 2 months ago and already jotted down their opening house date in my schedule book... Thats y mental preparation is very important!!!! Thank goodness im not ignorant. haha

Well, even though the chances of zy not being able to attend a mainstream school is high, but im not sad. So long as he is happy and healthy, really, i have no more complains. Special school would be much better because basically im not looking at As and acedemic results from zy... just so long he makes friends and interact with other people, im happy. Mainstream schools would be too pressurizing for my baby. I rather not. So, see it aint such a bad thing after all. :)

I must say zyon taught me alot of things about life. Good and bad. Im so so proud of my little boy. I really wanna thank god for giving me my precious son.

"Zyzy.... mommy will be by u and love you for the rest of my life. Lets hold hands and walk side by side until you find your partner in life to continue that journey with you...  i love you..."

very disappointed in teachers nowadays...

Hey, its been a while since i last updated.. been really busy lately and whatever time i have left for the day went to my bed.. haha.

ok, just came back from sending zyon to school and i am really upset so i can hold it no longer, i need to  vent it out.

Sending zyon to this kinder was a recommendation from KK Hospital. The doctor mentioned that this school can take in children diagnosed with special needs. Upon hearing this of course this school is my first and only choice!! I remember speaking to the Principal and she saw zyon herself on that day , agreeing that he met her criteria and i was so happy!

School started and its been a week.

So far i must say its too early to tell. However, im very disappointed in his teacher and today, the Principal. I send zyon to school everyday and pick him up everyday too, this will give me the opportunity to talk to zyon and remind him what he is supposed and not supposed to do. Things like "zy you must listen to the teacher and share toys with ur classmates ok, no tantrums needed alright?" Children with special needs especially Autism, they need to be constantly reminded and told so that it gets "programmed" in their mind and slowly it becomes part of their everyday life (im not sure if this works for other people but it sure works for zyon).

Patience is the no.1 key being a teacher. (correct me if im wrong) Be it being with children with special needs or an average normal student!!

On monday, his teacher told me she needed to talk to me when i went to pick zy up from school, so i said ok and waited for her. She then asked me, "he doesnt sit still when im reading the children stories and he tends to walk around, and when they were having the sports ball session, he cried and cried upon seeing the teacher who is a foreigner with gold hair. Why ah? I dont understand. And he seems to have some issues with listening to my instructions."

I was shocked.

To me, the first thought that came into my mind was, i have already spoken to the Principal on the issues and problems that you may face, i asked her if i needed to talk to you, she says its ok she will do so herself. Now it seems you 2 have not communicated at all with each other!! And secondly, as a teacher, you know that there will be a child with special needs in the case of autism in your class for the new term, after work, google and read up on children with an autism condition to know how to handle la right???? See how different are they from normal average kids isnt it????? I dont need you to study everyday on how this condition comes about or what but just a brief reading on their characteristics and you will know why they behave like that la!!!! Its like, you are working with children, preschoolers, you must know how to work with them so you can teach them! It doesnt have to be a child with special needs to push you to do this, just being a teacher you have to walk into the "kid's world" and speak their language so you can work with them smoothly isnt it? And now you have a child with special needs you dont bother to find out??? If children with special needs like autism is like you working with an average kid so easy then why must there be a term called autism? or kids with special needs? OMG!!!!

But, i didnt tell her all these. I told her nicely why zyon reacts the way he is and went home to write down briefly about the characteristics on children with autism. I dont know if she's read it or not but as a parent i have done my part in the explaining and noting down for your knowledge.

This morning, becos it was still very early, i was outside the assembly hall singing songs with zyon before he goes into the hall. The Principal came in throught the school gate. She saw me and zyon, dont bother to say anything and wanted to just walk pass, then i looked at her and said "good morning" and smiled. Then she repled "good morning". When she sees other parents, she says "hi! good morning" in a way that i wasnt given. What is this? Discrimination?? (you may think im being sensitive, but hey i have observed her a week cos i see her everyday)

When its finally time, i brought zyon to the hall and went to the other side to peep at how he was doing and how his teacher is handling him. I couldnt hear what they were talking to him about but because he wouldnt sit down and wait, he walked around. Different teachers went to him and got him to sit down but then he will stand up again and wants to walk to his classroom. Until his class teacher stood up and went to him. Before all these, she was happily having a conversation wth the rest of the students and she didnt talk to zyon. Then when she went to him, she held his hand and walked back to the sitting area and told zyon to sit down. But again he stood up after a while and this went on for 3 times. Her facial expression was straight, no smiles not nothing. Just straight. Then when zyon's classsmates gradually arrived and walked in, her smiles came back on them and said "good morning". As a parent, i feel its like handling my child is a chore is it? What is wrong with you????

Zyon's strength is his "being able to understand whats going on". Its just he isnt able to express. If you are genuinely nice to him, he will listen to you. Its been like this towards doctors, psychologists, relatives and my friends. So what does this tell you??? Is there no teachers who teaches with passion anymore in singapore?

The ache in my heart for my child... it never goes away...

Will it ever go away?