the 3 words my son never says but shows me everyday

"I LOVE YOU"

He tries his best to accept what is asked of him on a daily basis whether or not he likes it or being able to accept it. Simple actions, expected reactions for us, to us, from us seem so insignificant and expected, but is probably killing him inside, he just does it.
because he loves us.

"I am Sorry"

When he suffers from a meltdown, reluctance and unwillingness but unable to express through words for me to understand.
He tries to show he is sorry by hugging me tightly. Its amazing that how such a simple gesture, can create such intense and complicated emotion between us.
It brings out just how sorry he is for hurting us incontrollably.
By Hurting, its not only emotionally, its physically. Many a times my baby doesn't realise he is a big boy now and his strength is equivalent to a "Baby Hulk"- thats what i call him.

.. and the one way to give them the I LOVE YOU that they need,

the 3 words from us
patience, love, inclusion

No more zyon jumping on the bed.

hi peeps~ another week has gone by and oh dear what a hectic one... my life on a daily basis is so adventurous !!

so just to catch up, school holidays had officially started last weekend and i know right to many kids it will be "YAY!!!!!" But this holiday... zyon suffered a hairline crack on his Big Toe.....

Plah!!! **facepalm**

Boys will be Boys!!!!!!! CHILDHOOD CAST.

ok this is like he broke his ankle or something but because doctors at the A&E seriously wanted to immobilise him hence the cast all the way up. Poor boy.
It all started because he was on my bed, hanging upside down and singing but lost control of his weight balance and fell off the bed! He screamed and cried like the worse ever. At this reaction, i knew something is broken somewhere but you know due to zyon being non verbal, he can't tell me where it hurts or how bad its hurting. My first thought was "ok, something is not right", so i carried my 40kg son in my arms and called for a cab and shot straight to the hospital.

The nurses were really helpful after i told them about zyon's condition and we went straight in to the X-Ray room and check on where exactly is broken. My Poor boy... He didn't allow anyone to touch his sore toe but endured and eventually without any struggles, he allowed the doctor to cast him up. After we went home, i laughed at him and sang him his favourite nursery rhyme :
(i know right he is 8 but lol my baby hulk is a nursery rhyme junkie)

"one little zyon jumping on the bed,
he fell off and hurt his leg,
then mommy called the doctor and the doctor said,
no more zyon jumping on the bed"

hahaha!!!!!! he covered his face with his hands and smiled and smiled, embarrassed!! so i said "ah ha!!!! guilty as served!!!" he laughed.

Such an Angel.

you know, I'm so proud of my baby. He always does his best.

His waking up everyday smiling and singing may seem mediocre to many people, but to me, it stands for so much courage. I have never met anyone else thats braver and real as him.

Every single day he faces challenges, real challenges that we take for granted. He always tries his best! and honestly, i wouldn't be able to handle it as well as he does.

I love my baby so so much....

He will be going back for an X ray tomorrow, keeping my fingers crossed i hope all is well and that he will be able to finally get the cast off and start enjoying his holiday!!

Virtual Reality? **PART 1**

Technology is slowly taking over the world, and as much as it is frowned upon, many too find it really helpful. As you all know, Zyon have been inseparable with his iPad and really relies it on a daily basis. In fact as a non verbal child on the spectrum, till now he is singing and saying many things  that he learnt from the internet world.

The only thing I haven’t done is invite technology to dinner as a way to say a big thank you!

I have met many parents that have commented that taking away their iPads are the best thing that can ever happen. I too have thought about it but yeah am still procrastinating. First thing first, without the iPad there is literally nothing Zyon can do. Living in a country that is basically a city, too crowded for anything would actually mean there is no backyard for him to play in, working mother is never around during the day on a weekday, other than the iPad, there is nothing Zyon can do. So, instead of taking his one and only entertainment away , I might as well focus on what I can do with technology to further my son’s daily activities!

Ok enough of “introducing technology” - autopilot of self defense mechanism - and today I’m not even really talking about iPad or any Apple products, I’m gonna talk about Oculus VR by Samsung. 

Tadah! (VR Oculus with Samsung s8plus)

Ok, back in August, Zyon and I went out for a walk in the mall and we came across the Samsung booth promoting their great offers for National Day. As I had previously already read about what impact virtual reality can have on children on the spectrum, I decided hey why not let Zyon have a go to see his reaction to the virtual world. 

In the beginning, it was all no movement because he was shocked, he kept looking up and down basically because it’s a 360 degree view. Then, he started moving his feet, and from his body actions, you can see that he was actually afraid he would fall and to step forward 😂. He held my hands so tight and I kept reassuring him that “mommy is just right here” , the next thing that happened made me wept! With tears of Joy. 

Zyon’s first ever sentence, describing what he saw 

“Wow! Look at all the stars!!!”

OMG. 

That was the first time in my 8 years with my son, hearing him say a short sentence describing what he saw. I couldn't contain my joy, I was laughing and laughing and felt so happy! 

I texted his teachers, and everyone was thrilled at this amazing response Zyon had. I wanted to buy it on the spot! But!!! here's the catch, this gadget is not cheap at all..... its actually quite pricey. As Oculus is only compatible with Samsung S7 onwards , just the smart phone alone is equivalent to an iPhone and more expensive than an iPad. 

We then explored the VR apps like planets, animals and Disney. These apps are free for download in the Oculus web and there are so many educational choices. example : nat geo and discovery

Honestly I was really tempted to buy it on the spot but wow it was just too expensive, and for it to be affordable, I will have to save some more. haha. During this saving period I did quite a lot of research  on the gadget itself to make sure that the price is justifiable and that it will really be helpful. Ok, I have to admit there is hell lot of games, and if you are a gamer, I can tell you, this gadget is a godsend. 

But im really just into their educational part. Apps like for learning about dinosaurs, animals and planets. Just reading about it online makes me excited! So next month its his 8th birthday, we decided to get him the gadget!!!! And see where it brings him :)

Ok, so if you wanna know more about the gadget, I have linked them below. Take a look and evaluate on whether you think its worth it *winks winks*

I will update on more when he starts using it!! till then!

VR Oculus : https://www.oculus.com

samsung : http://www.samsung.com/sg/smartphones/galaxy-s8/

                 http://www.samsung.com/global/galaxy/galaxy-s7/

VR for autism : https://www.autismspeaks.org/science/science-news/virtual-reality-training-improves-social-skills-and-brain-activity

                         http://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S0747563216303089

upcoming blog : "The 3 words my son never says, but shows me everyday" 

2 years is a looonngg time

Wow!

Like what i mentioned on my previous post, its been almost 2 - 3years? Life had been really hectic and.... wow. i dont think i can find the right words now to put it across.

Anyways, zyon had started his new school and its almost the end of his second year already. so far~~~~ so good~~~~~ hahaha. Teachers are really helpful and thoughtful.. but, somehow they still need more help. Till date, i still feel that Singapore isn't autism friendly enough. Resources are still considered at low and acceptance from the society, sadly to say has not risen. 

Awareness is definitely there, however awareness and acceptance are entirely whole new different aspects. 

For a special needs school, grading of a student is definitely different from a normal curriculum. Students dont just get upgraded to the next level on a mere yearly basis. They will have to be evaluated base on their behaviour, their social skills and life skills. And although zyon had been in the same class for the past 1 year and 10 months, i feel he had improved and yet regressing at the same time. 

I KNOW. 

How is it possible that he had improved and yet not improved right? Ok, lets just put it this way, he improved a lot base on his communication/ social skills but his behaviour had been really troubling. 

As a mother, i take everything into consideration. Things happening at home, the regular changing of teachers - lets admit it, its not easy to work with children that tends to get violent, its extremely exhausting to teach even a normal child lest 4 or 5 special needs children at one time- , his growing pains, attitude from each and everyone in my child's life all plays a part as a contributing factor. I must say, with every other thing going on at the same time, this IS driving me insane hahahahah!!! But!!! I'm not giving up just yet. I realise this journey would be FILLED with questions that i might never get answers, or even if i get it, it would take a really long time. 

Zyon's behaviour has been getting worse in terms of him biting and hitting. He almost dont realise his own strength when it comes to venting his frustrations. Im sure those who had seen meltdowns knows what its like, plus he aint a small sized boy. So, as much as i would want to try to help him to control himself, the percentage of me getting injured during the process is actually majority of the time. But I'm glad, becos its me, he regains his senses almost immediately as well. And he tries hard to minimise the damages he is creating on the spot. But imagine how others around him are coping.. Ok, the point is, his tantrums are getting much worse as he is growing. Lets call this growing pains. 

He is already 8 this year, 2 years away from 10. Boys at 8 years must have so many to say, so many they want to do. Sadly, being diagnosed as high functioning classic autism would mean as much as he wants to, he is unable to share his thoughts on anything verbally to his own family and make friends. As a child with no friends to play with, how do you think he is coping in his little heart? 

Indescribable loneliness is the word you are looking for. 

And the lonelier he gets, the worse he feels. At this point in time, i can only expect more violent tantrums and the probability of the stage i fear the most. Depression. 

4 out of 5 children on the spectrum have depression. (like autism aint enough and adding this on**face palm) So i am trying very hard to find ways to make his life easier. Ok, till now at this moment, I'm still looking for a solution so if you think i already have something to share, nope. sorry. 

But i will keep up on tracking his emotional pattern and see how i can work from there. 

ok, enough with all the trouble side. Looking at the positive side of his "growing pains" , hahaha he is so smart! Constantly finding ways and means to get his way hahaha! He's started to try talking more, is polite to his teachers and even being like a class monitor :) And improved tremendously on asking for things that he wants instead of just whining. Recently he had even started to talk to my aunt (who is his caregiver for a couple of hours every weekday before i get home from work) and trying hard to work with her so that they can understand each other better! He is relating more to the people around him and seeks attention more than ever. Although i must say the way he is seeking attention is really a headache, but in terms of emotions, this is the right track. Teachers and me working hand in hand, sometimes with his reactions to certain things happening really shows us the great progress that he is achieving. 

So you see, isn't it contradicting? He is definitely getting better, but at the same time, it seems worse too. 

This is basically what had been happening slowly but in a healthy pace during this period of time in a brief sum up but as we go along i will start updating more regularly on his progress and what works and what doesn't. Also, i will start to talk about the people around him dealing with his growing pains. 

stay on this journey with me or share your journey with me. Information is never enough for "living with autism" 

xoxo

next blog : 

About a month ago, we were out and saw this pop up samsung booth in the mall and we tried on the oculus VR gadget they were promoting. I was totally shocked at his reaction. But i will talk more about this oculus VR in my next blog. Spoiler alert, he did something really impressive and we were all very excited!!! 

To all the ignorant people in the world

NO! They are NOT dangerous and Autism is NOT contagious! So stop judging and stop giving Children or adults with Autism weird looks and stares!

When you are looking and judging them with that "thought" in your head, we are looking and judging you at how RUDE you really are.

Please, to all the ignorant people out there, autism is NOT contagious. Your "normal" child would not catch "it" so do NOT pull your children away just because there is an Autistic child in the playground as well. You are sooooooo gXX - damn RUDE.

Just so you know they process, think and feel like an individual.
Learn to educate yourself, this is already the 21st century!

Read this article from the link, from an Autistic child.


http://blog.theautismsite.com/autism-not-bad/?utm_source=aut-autaware&utm_medium=social-fb&utm_term=021516&utm_content=link&utm_campaign=autism-not-bad&origin=aut_autaware_social_fb_link_autism-not-bad_021516

Something to share on "Whats next?"

Hi Guys,

Click on the link to check out Autism Speaks Staffer Kerry Magro's talk on TEDXTALK on "Autism, what happens to children when they become adults?"

“It’s a lifelong disorder. Our kids are growing up, and we have to be ready for them. When they transition to adulthood questions that arise are things such as…will my child be able to find a job? Will my child be able to go to college? Will my child be able to find supports after they age out of school? Will my child be able to live independently or need a group home? Will my child be supported financially? Will my child be able to find love one day? And finally…Will my family take care of my child when I’m gone?”

Im sure many parents, infact all parents have this question running through their head and this is the utmost question we ask ourselves every single day whilst watching our children grow up. 

https://www.autismspeaks.org/news/news-item/inspiring-talk-answers-039what-will-happen-my-child-when-i039m-gone039

Independence is priceless

Recently, Zyon has been showing signs that he is a big boy. 

Making decisions like when he wants to shower, what he wants from the fridge. 

Cleanliness has always been quite systematic for Zyon at home. More like when is it time to shower was originally decided by the adults, me when I'm at home. All i had to do was watch the time and tell him "Zyon, its time to shower! Grab your towel!!" And you will see my baby no matter what he is doing at that time or which part of the house he happens to be in, running to grab his towel and head towards the toilet. 

But now, without anyone saying anything, he walks straight to the toilet, takes off all his clothes and close the door. Before you know it, the sound of splashing water comes on. Not just because he feels warm, but basically I'm guessing it's because of his own personal hygiene. Why do i say this? Because even if he just showered half an hour ago, he would still proceed to shower again if he went to poop. 

Honestly speaking, i feel so proud of him. Its like he is beginning to grab hold of the fact that he has a choice. That he can make choices. Even if it is as simple as deciding himself when he wants to take a shower. Of course the crazy old ladies at home made it seem like its another troublesome issue/ phase Zyon is having because although he knows that he wants a shower but technically he is not able to shower himself just yet, hence it is something that requires assistance from the adults. They just thought he was being "naughty" and troublesome. 

If you have been following my blog you should know that I'm a mother that doesn't very much constrict my children. So i told Zyon what he did was right and I'm so very proud of him. Irregardless of whether it is troublesome or not, in my point of view, my son is showing signs of independence! 

I Cant be More PROUD!!

I held onto him, hugged him tight and look at his face to get his attention, and i told him,

"Mommy is so proud of you! Well done! You are a big boy now :)! Well done!!!"

His reaction to me, though short but sweet. He looked at me with eye contact, smiled then ran off to his books. 

Although I'm not exactly supported by family members who thinks i "condone" my son to doing whatever he wants and likes and i drown him in love. But really, is it? 

I do not deny that i do give him what he wants but it also depends on what exactly is it that he wants! Though not many people don't think in that way. 

Today in this society, many parents are more concerned with adherence to social convention than the progress their children are making. And i do not support that. 

YES, we all want our children to be "normal" like all the other children you see. But honestly what exactly is "normal"? How do you define normal? Doing the same things like everyone is doing? 

Mr A sleeps at 9 am and wakes up at 9pm, seeing this, Mr B does the same thing. Then came Mr C, D,E,F,G etc etc. Then are we to conclude that sleep time from 9am to 9 pm is the "normal"? Thats rubbish. I know the earth doesn't just belong to 1 person. I know the society is created and works in a way that it is able to accommodate to everyone from all over the world. But really? Do i want to follow suit just so i may be accepted as part of the society? That is my only way? To prove my worth in existing? 

Reluctantly and very Sadly, yes.

But i still want to make a difference. Because sometimes i do believe strongly that "you could still want something that is very unlikely to happen, happen". 

I can't change the world, i don't want to. Im not a saint neither can i force anyone to do anything just because i think it is right.  Because everybody in the world speaks their own kind of language, live by their own rules. 

But at least i can make a difference for my son. Im building his foundation. I am preparing his future. I believe in building the right foundation, come rain or shine, he will never fall. 

Autism isn't a fault. Its a variant. it's potentially a major advantage. It is associated with organisation, focus, innovative thinking and rational detachment. Isn't all these points what we all aim to achieve? what we all strive so hard everyday to achieve? 

But my son already achieved it. He is only 6. And he will only be much more evolved than his peers. The world is too slow for Autism. 

Don't ever be happy because you are normal. Normal is nothing. Whether or not you are able to do something or achieve something in your life makes no difference to anyone. Whether or not you exist, the earth still spins. 

But Autism, they take in every single bit of this world and create using all of it. This is something us "normal" people can't do. 

don't you think? 

Its a brand new year. 2016, the year of Zyon.

To the readers that have been following my blog on Autism and progress of my son, i apologise, I haven't been blogging on the updates of my baby boy for quite a while now and yes i am ashamed of myself.

Life has been hectic and i have been lost for quite a while. Lost in my own world, working and running away from problems. Again, i am ashamed of myself, but my self awareness tells me, I'm just human. So kindly pardon me. And pardon yourself.

For the past 1 year, Zyon has been attending classes in AWWA. A special school for children with special needs in Singapore if you don't know what that meant, the full name of it would be Asian Women's Welfare Association.
This (may i say) Institution actually caters for children with all kinds of special needs and not just solely on autism. And like what i have mentioned previously in my earlier blogs, Zyon had to go for the EIPIC program, AWWA was where he was supposed to be stationed at until he reaches the age of 7. Which by the way is this year :)

I must say my son has progressed a lot through his years in AWWA, or rather the EIPIC program and I'm seriously grateful to all the teachers that have helped him along the way. He graduated from his preschool Maris Stella Kindergarten and things have been going on as normal. Although I'm not really sure if he misses Maris Stella, because no matter what, he had been going to the school for the past 4 years. Preschool, the foundation of life and society. Its technically the first place in your life where you get to come in contact with people that has got nothing to do with your family in any way possible, do things that you didn't have to to compromise the fact that this world is home to other people other than yours too. So I'm guessing... nah probably Zyon is happy not going to school. Haha

Currently, even though the new year has begun and every child starts a new school term, Zyon is still attending AWWA. Well like what i have mentioned, AWWA is only able to take him till he reaches 7 so technically he wasn't supposed to be in AWWA anymore. However, the special school that we had picked would not be available for his enrolment until April this year and he had no other schools to attend, so he was placed in one of the classes in AWWA to continue brushing up his motor skills and such until his new school was ready for him.
If i did remember correctly, i actually blogged about the schools i had placed into consideration previously in my earlier posts. Those were Pathlight and St Andrews Autism school. And I'm pretty sure i did mention on why i decided that i did not want him to be placed into Pathlight as much as i thought its really a haven made for every autistic child.
Yep, St Andrews was my ultimate choice and AWWA worked with me to get him a place in the school. I can't tell you how excited i was when AWWA told me that it shouldn't be a problem for zyon to get a place in the school and that they would send a recommendation letter with all the relevant documents that was required. They have been such great help to me.

Anyways, all these happened last year and they told me that i would only get an interview with the school in Jan 2016. So Zyon had an exceptionally long holiday that started in mid november. January came and true enough we got the notification call from St Andrews Autism school notifying us that the interview to see zyon would be on the 15th of february at 2pm. I felt so nervous and excited at the same time. First and foremost, i hadn't been to the school before and i have no idea what inside looks like, was it going to be like Pathlight? Was it going to be like any other normal school? Was it going to be like AWWA? Which would it be?
And i just went on counting down each day with the same questions repeating over and over again in my mind.

Finally, the day came. Thank goodness i didn't push myself to insanity by all these questions going on in my head.
We went for lunch and went to the school. I told zyon as we walked into the premises that this was a new school for him. Then proceeded to meet up with the staff of the school, they needed to evaluate Zyon. We were then told that he had to spend probably and hour and a half with one of the teacher and as parents we were going to be interviewed by another.
The interview was about Zyon's behaviours at home and getting to know him better through the mouth of his parents, and yes, again i have to go through this. Remembering the first time when he got diagnosed, how he came to terms to new environments, his tantrums and such etc etc.

After the interview, i went to look around the school, the classes, cafeteria and pool. They have all kinds of therapies and it seemed really decent. Its not exactly as heaven like as Pathlight but yes its decent. And its like a whole new world in there.
I was mostly comfortable in their facilities and environment, but one place in there scares me.

"The Calming Room"

Ok, when you see the words "Calming Room" , your first natural vision would be white cushioned room maybe with a comfy sofa and toys probably. But no.... when i saw the calming room, it was a squared small room with padded walls and it was grey in color. Nothing else.
Nothing. Else.

My first words were,
"it sure looks like a punishment room instead of a calming one".

It might have seemed rude but that was my first instinct as a mother.
The teacher assured me that its not a punishment room with an awkward smile and i returned one awkward smile back to her.

As we were leaving the school, i can't help but think about the "Calming Room". I mean, i know its probably such because we don't want to provoke their senses with flamboyant colors visually to stress them but really? Grey??? Even Mental institutions uses white color..... ok as a mother, i know how stressful it can be when you have to deal with a normal child's tantrums not to mention the meltdowns of a child with autism! Hence part of me was fearing it might not be that calming after all. And that in the world of Autism, "Calming" seemed like a punishment.

However, brushing all these aside, i think i wouldn't mind to let Zyon try to spend some time in this school and see if he adapts to it... I'm hoping it all turns out well and I'm keeping my fingers crossed.

Reading till here, last year i got an email from a lady asking me questions about autism. Here is a shout out to all of you out there, i know I'm not a doctor and I'm not exactly a professional but i sure do know about Autism. And if you are a parent that just came into contact with this genetic disorder recently and want to know more or, if you are feeling stressed up and just needed some support and having someone to talk to, you are more than welcome to email me and i will reply to you.

Lets stay strong for our children. Nobody is alone in this.
For parents who's considering medication or even some invasive electrifying brain procedures, please remember, our children are NOT sick. They don't need that. They need only your acceptance.

And most important of all, your LOVE.

My email address is : kingyomama@gmail.com

Communication device gives me hopes

http://blog.theautismsite.com/angrykreedcommunicates/?utm_source=social&utm_medium=autaware-paid&utm_campaign=angrykreedcommunicates&utm_term=20141125

Dear all parents with kids that is on the spectrum.... take a look at the video i shared 😊 if u r thinking of whether or not to get a device, this is awesomely helpful~~~~

Zyon zyon wat do u see? I see mommy looking at me~~~

Bought zyon a 2nd hand book by eric carle who is very famous for his illustrations and story of "the very hungry caterpillar" the last time called "polar bear polar bear wat do u hear?". And i have no idea how he went on to sing it as a song that goes :-

"Polar bear polar bear wat do u see?
I see a lion looking at me~~~"

And he went on the same melody but saying the right animals for the rest of the book. He loved that book and now its kindda tattered and torn but still its his favorite book.

Went to kinokuniya the other day and saw the book "brown bear brown bear wat do u see?" And he was thrilled!!! Then he started singing and went on to the next page "i see a red bird looking at me" 😄😄😄😄 totally awesome! !!! Another surprise to me from my precious lil baby.....

So i thot maybe i can try "the very hungry caterpillar" next... hm..... i wonder... cos personally i have no idea wat that stoey is about actually but it seems zyon is very into its illustrations! I shall explore more and update again 😊😊😊

Cheers ppl!!!

Tablets!!!!

A link to further make me feel better for my theory on my post yesterday 😄😄😄😄😄

http://blog.theautismsite.com/dillan-speech/?utm_source=social&utm_medium=autaware&utm_campaign=dillan-speech&utm_term=20141007

The "CENT"ury of technology and gadgets

Few hundred years ago, there were no computers, no tv, no gadgets, no smartphones . Most imptly, no electricity. The human species have evoluted and has proven that the human brain once "activated" , we are smart creatures without the help of technologies. In those days, "technologies" were refered as "strategies".

Its the 21st century now, the world has changed. As much as i hate to admit,  i fully agree that everytime my smartphone beeps, i get a little dumber. I depend very much on my smartphone for every little thing in my life. As a working mother, i use my smartphone which i shall refer to as my "bestie" , for replying of emails, googling for the latest fashion code, buying stuffs that i cant get anywhere in my country, calculator,  listening to music, watching movies, reading ebooks, sending proposals, calling my husband from the toilet when there is no shampoo left on the rack and even now, blogging.

Apps are seriously useful, no matter how old you are, there is definitely a certain number of apps you can download just by "poking" the screen of your very own "bestie". And once again as much as i hate to admit, it has saved me from a lot of drama when it comes to my kids. Unnecessary cryings throughout the car ride, at the dinner table where the kids are done but you are still halfway through your meal or so long you are in the middle of "waiting" , you will be grateful for the invention of smartphones. 😢😢

Yes i do agree with children experts that says "electronic devices are not good for children", etc etc blah blah blah . I really agree on it. However, viewing from another perspective, its just like computers. 

When computers were first invented, its was a huge thing. Good use, helped alot blah blah blah,  then kids started playing games... addicted to surfing online... bio hazard games... so on and so forth. And the people who used to think the greatest invention of all times starts thinking its not a good thing after all. And bad reviews abt computers started. Which till date is still a bad thing however the human species are not able to live without one after they have owned one.

Many parents like me agree that tablets and those electronic devices are bad for our kids, but the biggest group of consumers are these people. How ironic.  Lol
Well, like slapping myself in the face, i really cant find a reason to convince myself that my kids are better off without a tablet.  Just like the computers only era, although it was a wrong (not bad) invention, and people know it , they still have to learn it and accept it. Cos this is what the society is made of already. It has quietly crept into our lives and became so important that everyone has to have that teeny wee bit of knowledge about it. And today if u are not computer literate, u cant get a good job, you cant connect to the world,  u cant do many things.

Same thing goes with tablets. Its bad i know, but the future is gonna be all abt tabs... at least for the next 5 to 7 years before something much more tech savvy is being invented. And by then the world is moving and working with the help of tabs but your kid dont even have the knowledge of "how to use one " who will be crying then? The kid. Who to blame then? The parents who didnt get them 1 😧😧

Its not an excuse, but breathe in and think about it. Its really not wrong.
I was looking through the website of Autism speaks, one of the biggest organization for Autism and i saw they had a link on their page stating "apps". I clicked in and started browsing, whoa i must say im SUPER IMPRESSED. THE SPEECH COMMUNICATOR??!!!!!!!!!!! GAWD!!!!!!!!!
Something that i have always wanted 😍😍😍 and the next moment, its zyon's birthday next month. I started my crazy research and reading countless reviews and thought about it for a whole month!!!! Finally........ as a parent,  i have decided.... yes.......

I did it. Zyon is getting one for his birthday. 😅😅😅😅😅😅😅😅

Alright. ...... i know you must be thinking me writing so much crap for wat right??.. oh well, to be truthful, whatever i have written is really what i think, a small part though is making myself feel better as a parent that yep i got my 5 years old baby a tab for his birthday this year. However i am really excited about the speech communicator, if you are one of those parents who really want to try on it go to autism speaks website and you will be able to find apps catered to either apple or android usage, i have scanned through its awesome 😄😄 and as im using a tablet, the playstore has alot of apps catered for autism!!! Go take a look!!!

Im super excited. And i cant wait to see zyon's face when he gets his present 😊😊

Mother, you create me

****ps: please be prepared that there may be some crude comments and words used. But no offense to anyone out there, i still respect each and everyone especially doctors. Wat is written is plainly just views of my own. Should i offend you, i would first like to apologize, pardon me for using some offensive words. *****

This morning, the house was extreme chaotic. And recently alot of issues had happened at home and boy was it rough.

What made things rough?
Ignorance.

As u all know i moved from my mum's place over to my aunt's, it began with lots of love, patience and loads of understanding and gradually moved on to a point where people start getting fedup.

Zyon has autism.

This is something that i have to constantly remind the older generations living together with me. Now that they have started screaming becos of how "zyon is climbing up and down the sofas again!!!" , "zyon is going to spoil the dvd player if he continues to change the dvds constantly" and "zyon simply doesnt listen!!!!"

Know wat? Im sick of all these crap. Sick of telling them the "issues" that my son has. And so i retaliated back at them in their way, screaming "a normal child would not listen and do things according to ur ways, wat makes u think a child with autism will listen just cos u r screaming??????"  Honestly, the scariest part in raising a special needs child is not about the child at all, its the " normal" people that is around the child.
People only want to listen to wat they wanna hear so at the end of the day the only conclusion of a pack of crazy bitches could come up with was the typical - blame the mother issue. That the mother (me) spoilt the child.
I am the mother. Zyon is my responsibility, and when he grows up, im his only frend, his only support, his only dependant kin. In short im his everything! Are these people going to take responsibility of what he will turn out to be? No. So dun judge me on how i teach my child. Im his mother, i only want the best for my child. Like it or not suck it in and accept the fact that im the responsible one and i will do it my way.
They said im the only one that can control him, why dun they see that the reason is becos i listen to my child? Why dun they learn that screaming will not help anything and that using my strategy on zyon will infact help them handle his meltdowns and tantrums????? Nope they have to think that screaming helps and my ways are madness. Its ironic isnt it? Humans. I dunno whether we have evoluted to being dumb or just plain retards. Selfish and contradicting.

Imagine the stress im having, i can only think that zyon is having a worse time compared to wat im facing. And my heart breaks. But look at him. He went to school this morning and we were late due to traffic, by the time we got to school the assembly hall was empty and everyone was already in class. His classroom was pretty far from the hall , and there was a long stretch of road with stairs to get to his classroom. My son with autism, carried his bag, singingnhis nursery rhymes, with a big smile on his face walked all by himself all the way to his classroom!!! With no help.

He never fails to surprise me and impress me all at the same time.

I was so happy and im still having that happy feel in me while im typing this out! This made me realise however that yeah i have become slightly over protective of my child... hahahahaha its like he can do all these!!! And in my heart i was really..... content! How much has my baby grown.... how many things he can do already!! Im so proud of my baby..

Then while thinking of zyon, his future, i cant help but ponder wats next.
Recently we went to the hospital for a checkup and spoke to the doctor. In terms of his education which by the way is considered the most important thing im singapore, i have decided to wipe pathlight school off.
I mean i was really excited about that school and everything, it was a haven to me. But i didnt think that was it really what my child need? See till date zyon still refuses to hold a pencil or pen and of cos he is not exactly interested in writing words, solving math problems and sorting out shapes as per how its supposed to be learnt. He sees words as letters, math as numbers and shapes as just shapes. He sees all these not in an academic way but more of his own creation. He makes up music and sings all the time , counts all the time and have fun like he wants it to be. Its not wrong. Everyone sees things in their own way and solves problems in their own way , thats wat makes us different isnt it? The only thing is zyon doesnt judge. But every other people judge him. Life is never fair. It definitely not fair to my child. At least thats wat i think.

Back to pathlight. Its an awesome school catered to children with autism. But able to score academically.  Its not easy to get into pathlight, they will have to see zyon's iq tests in order to qualify to get into the school, there is just that number of positions, just that no. Of children they can take it, so filtering is not choice but a must. Zyon can get it, but to maintain his position in the school solely depends on his academic results. Now the question is, do i want this for my child? The pressure of a mainstream curriculum in a school catered for children with autism, or do i want him to focus more on lifeskills and less pressure? To be happy?
Special education is available. And the center i have chosen is AWWA. They have their own curriculum and its catered for autism children from 7 all the way to 18. It is a pretty good option. I have been thru a mainstream school, faced tests, gone thru essays, series of examinations for an education that have not been much help to me in the working world. That kind of stress for the normal child that i was , i hated it. And to put my special needs child thru that same ordeal i had , its just killing me.  I have discussed with a couple of close frends in regards to education for my child and they all came back with a same thinking, "lets just see what the doctor says".

To me is doctors would not be where they are now if there werent tests and years of research, observance and experiments done on real human beings to give them the knowledge. All these printed on textbooks, read and learnt by normal humans ,go thru series of tests and examinations , weeks of nights burnt off trying to memorize the longest name of a certain prescription,  understanding the formula of dosages , cause and effects of drugs activating in a human body, and when lucky enough based on the understanding of medicine , biology , these normal people graduate and work in hospitals where trials and errors start giving them experiences and years later boom they are doctors. A pen with written notes can determine how much drugs is going into your body , drugs that may prolong your life, drugs that may destroy your organs. In short control your life.
These doctors sit down in a 45mins session with your child that has a label "autism" big and bold in black on the medical file, again with a pen and a piece of paper write notes and ticks in the small boxes beside the little printed words on another piece of paper which they call a test sheet then sentence your child with a decision of mainstream or special education curriculum, and as another normal human being u are becos u din study medicine, u simply just listen to doctors and proceed with watever they say and make a decision that will change a child's life forever. This is something i cant bring myself to do.

I dont know what is medicine, i dont know the history of doctors, i dont know how autism was diagnosed and named , i dont know the names of prescriptions, i dont know what drugs can do to you. Im not a graduate. I have no certificate.

Wat i know is im a mother of a child with autism,  the child i carried in my womb for 10 months, gave birth to and handled all by myself since they day he came into this world. The child who i see grow, the child whom i bathed for and fed , the child who's first education of life came from me. Years of companionship just me and my child comparing to a doctor with a 45mins session with my child. I figured i am the only one that knows wat is better for my son.

However i cant help but feel lost. One single decision i make will change my son's life. This is what im nervous and scared about.. what am i to do?

"Mummy, life is not how u live"

Rushed home last night after work to spend some time with the kidlets.. The moment i opened the door screams of "mummy"!! came and zyon smiled, the widest smile :) Sometimes it just makes me feel stress free just looking at their smiles.. nothing beats the smiles of the people you love..

Being mummy is hard and honestly, im not the perfect kind of mummy. Friends asks me, do i regret having the kidlets. My answer ? Yeah. In a way.

Had i known bringing zyon to this world would make him go through the ugly side of how humanity has created the "society" i would never have my baby. Humanity, comes with a huge load of irony and contradictions. That makes it hard to live. To live is not difficult, whats difficult is the process of living. Me alone is not able to make a difference on how to make the environment better enough for the benefit of my child, or rather children with special needs. Everyone is working on their children based on their own way of living, their own thots. Getting people to know about Autism and other special needs, more has to be done.

Some parents are wat we call "normal" family. No thots, only try to create the "model" family that everyone looks, envies and agrees. Have breakfast in the morning, sends the kids to school, have dinner together, supervise homeworks, send kids to extra curriculum lessons, etiquette teachings, family day on sunday with pancakes on the tables. Why pancakes? no idea, basically everyone with "classy modern thinking" must have pancakes with bacon and eggs with milk and juice plus coffee with daddy reading his papers and the kids having cereals and mum by the stove waiting to make more pancakes. Just like the movies.
Some, based on how they were brought up and carry on the vicious cycle of the values and teaching they have received from their parents. Putting in on their children, thinking that "this" is then the right kind of teaching they should receive not realizing the next generation will just be like them. Makes them  more like family maybe? Apparently these people thinks that they are "normal"but not quite there yet.
Some just wants to make a difference. Tries to give their children what they didnt have to begin with and end up getting lost somewhere because they do not have the slightest idea what to really do.

Which kind are you?

Im thinking i belong to the 3rd kind. Tried to make a difference and end up getting lost somewhere. Honestly , lets face it. NOBODY can make perfect parenting. But this is not a bad thing mainly because such is life sometimes. Life needs people of all kinds to create a certain balance. Its only when there is peace and equality, something is then wrong.

its only nobody wants to be at the bottom of the human class.

Its this kind of "society" makes me panic and wake up in the middle of the night thinking what am i going to do next. Im having a race with time, at the rate zyon is growing up day by day..
The ignorance level of autism is nearly zero in the "society" that i live in, and yes its affecting me. Its affecting my son. - Thats wat i thought.

However i have come to realise, i maybe wrong. It is affecting me somehow, but zyon is living his life stronger than me. I admire my child.
He views the world in his own way, handles his stress in his own way even though not being understood by the people around him. People we see as important, friends and family. He faces this world technically by himself. And he is only 5. He thinks and acts straight forwardly, doesnt think about embarrassment, isnt afraid to have no friends, does what he feels like doing, focus on what interests him, have no issues with time, not caring on how to make others happy so he is liked and not being disliked.

Isnt this all what we all really want but yet we cant do it?

My son is 5, and he is stronger than the people around him.

I admire my son's way of life, i salute his thinking towards life. I thought as a mother i should be teaching him about the world. But no, my son is teaching me about life.

The "Sibling Syndrome"

Look at how my prince has become  a fine young man..

Zyon has been attending his EIPIC Program and if u want me to comment on his overall acceptance of the program, I would say more or less it did help him.

As he grows, zyon has shown signs of his improvement, but as a mother with the extra spot of emotions, I tend to givr in to him most of the time.. yeah in a way im failing.. but like all the mothers in the world, I love the smile on my baby's face and no  matter how old he gets, he will always be a baby to me. 

However,  I now have another bigger issue, the sibling syndrome.

As u all know I have a baby girl too. A wat u would call "normal" child. She turns 3 this year and have no knowledge of the world, still believes that clouds are made up of cotton and santa claus is real. She doesnt know why her brother refuses to play with her, talk to her and hits her when they try to fight over a toy. I tried explaining and of cos zonya doesn't understand and she resents her brother even though as human, deep in her she still loves and cares for her brother.

Issues among siblings, as a mother I know it can never be prevented and it would mean fights, lots of crying and yelling as well as punishments. But as a mother of a child that has autism and a child that is "normal", fights would seem more than just toy issues,  cryings and yellings would seem to affect everyone and punishments would seem as cruelty. How do i gauge and create the balance? I have no idea. 

Fighting about toys, i emphasize the fact that all toys are to be shared, and the cryings and protestings starts making me wanting to punish the both of them but on what grounds? Its not that Zyon wants to fight but he doesnt know how to manage his "attraction" toward that toy and zonya just wants to claim "whats mine" to herself because the feeling of being neglected that her brother gets all the love and attention. Then comes the crying and yellings where zonya would start crying and zyon starts to have a meltdown due to the stress of him wanting something but doesnt get it. Times like this nobody would quieten down and listen to wat mummy has to say… so i turn to punishment. 

Punishment, the biggest issue i have on hand.

Basically, to put myself in zyon's point of view, he did no wrong, and to punish him for something he would not understand what went wrong is not exactly fair, even if i throw in an hour's long of explanation as to why i do that, i guess even a typical child like zonya at 5 will not be able to understand. And to put myself in Zonya's point of view, she is jealous of all the attention that zyon has and the times where zyon goes "scot free" for the "baby crimes" he does whereas zonya is being stopped. Thus not fair too. To strike the balance of being fair honestly, as mummy im having a huge headache. Cos either way, it doesnt work "that way". 

I actually understood the importance of the "sibling syndrome" years back when i first started researching on autism. However along the way i neglected the fact that it was an issue that i would not be able to run away from and now its time that i face it. Having to be fair, i guess the first step i would do is probably split my weekends to spending time with each of them alone. One day mummy all to each of them , a weekend each. To get to the next level i guess would definitely require me to really plan my strategy. (wipes sweat**)

Let me think on more ways to get the kidlets to overcome this new syndrome and see how well it will work? lol

H.A.P.P.Y - Happy!!!!!!!!!!!

Hi all, yep yep i havent been really updating for a month now i guess. Work is really busy and adding on to Zyon's been going to SPD for his therapies, me and the husband's been rushing here and there bringing the kids to and fro... blah blah blah...

ok, calm down. Breathe.

ok lets start over.

First i would like to say " YAY"!!!!!!!!!!!! why? Cos Zyon's been spelling the word "H A P P Y" happy!!!
I was SOOOOOOOOO Proud. Hey hey not that im not proud on normal days but i was so proud of my baby!!! I dont know if you can understand how it feels but lets just put it in this way, Zyon was still non verbal beggining of the year. And now he can spell???!!!! How cool is my boy??? LOL!!!

Alright, i know i know but hey haha let me just shoutout cos this aint such an easy task for him to accomplish! Or.... maybe he will start surprising me by accomplishing tasks that seemed impossible!! Haha im so EXCITED already!!!

Zyon's been really busy now attending preschool on weekdays and extra lessons for therapies in SPD every mondays and wednesdays after school from 3.30pm to 5pm. Looking at him being tired sometimes breaks my heart but i dont have a choice since im not able to choose the timing he has for his lessons. So every week he has two days to be in SPD and these 2 days zonya will have to go over to my aunt's place and wait for me to pick her up after work. Travel for another hour before we finally get home at 9pm. whoo.... Its really exhausting after a while.

Though tough, but we are all in this together! This feels family. The husband has to bring the kids, one to school, the other to my aunt's house then go back to school to pick up zyon. Bring him home, have lunch, shower then get dressed and head out for lessons at SPD, get dinner then head home. For me, i will have to just take an hour long journey after work and pick up zonya at my aunt's then head home in another hour's journey. Zyon has to go to school, travel here and there and get to another lesson and zonya had to travel so far, spend a whole day in another's house just waiting for mummy to get her by the end of the day to finally go home. Everyone is in this together.

To think of it this way, we are all working hard and contributing as well as sacrificing for things to work.

Sometimes i just feel thankful.

Alright, me and the husband is not exactly in good terms. But we give our best at parenting. We try.
Lets not even get me started on talking about our relationship. Lets just say we would be better as friends.

okok!! i will try to update more soon!! gotta run now since im using office hours to blog this lol.

laters!!

life's ups and downs moment..

Yesterday i was browsing my facebook page and there was no interesting "new facts", no lame videos about other people, no gossips of celebrities etc etc and i was just clicking away..*click click click*

Then i clicked on my photo albums and saw the categorized pictures of my kids thats been organized by their monthly growth.

I opened the files one by one and browsed picture by picture, looking at how much they have changed... especially zyon.

Zyon is my first born and naturally he has more photos than his sister. Each and every picture that i took of him has a different emotion. And each and every one of those pics are priceless. Pics of him growing up month by month, pics of him smiling and crying, eventually leading to being independant. The proud smiles on me and hub's face... etc. Then the pics now.

I know i shouldnt be feeling this but im a human after all. I didnt realize it but suddenly tears came rolling in my eyes. I asked myself,

"Just what happened in between then and now? The smiles, the eye contact he used to have.. where have they gone to?"

As im typing this now, the feelings are back. The negativity, the unacceptance even though im very clear on whats going on and the situation now. Its not that i have not accepted yet but i guess given to any mothers in the world, there must be once of twice in a couple of months you feel down and the sadness just clings on to you for that moment... Then its gone again.

I then updated my facebook on my feelings and thoughts... Then one of my closest friend said this to me :

me :

"Was looking at zyon's pics when he was a baby...... then started tearing... wanted to cry.... but.... i swallowed it back."

 

my friend:

"So this sweet 3-year old has to stick with his routine, makes his preferences very clear...sometimes deals with things and emotions differently, right? Maybe that's how some 3-year olds are...and some hv a diagnosis attached.

I guess today is just one of those days that hit you...why does your "normal" have to be so challenging, eh? Chin-up, Mama! It is ok to have such feelings and down days :)"

 

 

Im really grateful to have friends like that around me... and suddenly i felt stronger than before and more grateful towards life....

 

 

I love my baby boy and am thanking god i have him.... My kids complete me.

zoo then the croods!!!

Brought the kids to the zoo again!!! And this time round, we had the best time spent!!! Money well spent too!!! LOL

Went on a saturday and it sure was crowded (wow..) and the first station was the otters. Zyon stared at them like they were giant rats!!

"eeeeeeeee" was what he said. LOL

Then we went to see the white tigers, they were just lying down and not moving. My kids were like

"Roar roar roar"

But the big cats couldnt be bothered at all. Then we went to Kid'sworld and saw the small horses, rabbits and goats!!! We could actually feed the goats and so i pulled some leaves and started feeding the goats. Zyon and zonya was screaming the whole time cos the goats were really aggressive!! Then finally after much persuasion from the father and me, they plucked up whatever courage they had and tried to feed the hungry animals (while screaming).  After a while, they simply just enjoyed the process and decided they were just gonna feed the "hungry" goats all day... (-_-"')

After feeding, the goats were OS-ing in their hearts "these 2 little people have endless food to offer".

Anyways, we had to pull zyon and zonya away cos apparently "feeding" seems so fun they were there feeding for almost 45 mins!!!!! Man, the weather was a killer!! And i had to constantly pluck leaves just so my kids can feed my 10 mins worth of leaves in 5 seconds. *faints*

We were walking to our next stop and we saw the "Ah Meng's Restaurant" so i decided ok, its time to feed me and my family. So i got The father and the kids to sit down at the table while i go get the food. There were not much stalls in the food court, so i went straight to the chicken rice stall and ordered. 1 plate of chicken rice was 9.50. ('',) What the............. Well even though i really thought that the food was def not worth the money but we didnt have a choice. Either that or nothing. While eating, i told myself the next time im coming, i will pack food.

Continued our journey after lunch and dropped by the elephant's station. Usually the kids get really excited about the elephants so we were excited to show them the elephants. But when they saw the real deal, the word excitement didnt come out on their faces. Their faces were painted with the word "panick". LOL.

I couldnt stop laughing at their reaction, just staring blankly at the huge animal and not blinking at all. Then zonya said,

"(s)cared"

Lol, i said "dont have to be afraid la silly girl, its just an elephant!!" *making the trumpeting sound*

*zyon started making the trumpeting sound as well"

We stayed like a good whole 10 mins there then continued on to see other animals.

Having been to the zoo for so many times, this was the first time both my kids were wide awake and totally participating in "wow-ing, awe-ing" , didnt rain and no tantrums. It was really a good day for us. Now im so excited in wanting to organise trips like that every weekend.. haha .... im loving life!!!! When we were about to return to the exit, i got us all ice creams cos it was a really hot day, zonya and zyon each had one. The father then wanted to take out the wrapper of the ice cream for zonya but she mistook his actions thinking he was going to snatch her ice cream away and she started screaming. Even though the real deal was still in her hands, her eyes were on the wrapper and when the father took the wrapper she kept thinking it was her ice cream so she couldnt stop screaming. Seeing this the father returned the wrapper to her and when she took it back she stared at the paper and open her eyes wide and started screaming cos the ice cream wasnt in there!!! (duh~ the ice cream was in her hand the whole time) So she got mad and threw the wrapper on the floor and shake her head until we pushed her hand to show her the ice cream was there. Then in a second , she stopped and started eating. What a drama queen. Zyon was really sweet, we brought along the stroller just in case one of them decides they wanna sleep so we have something to back us up, he was quietly eating his ice cream and sharing it with me every now and then. Then he decided that its wet and sticky so he gave me the ice cream, sat in the stroller and pulled for my hand to feed him. What a clever boy dont need to dirty his own hands eh... I fed him till we both finished the magnum and he went "yay yay yay yay yay!!!" LOL

By the time we reached the exit, both of them fell asleep. ha........ seeing them sleeping after a long day, i was glad i brought them to the zoo.

When we finally got out of the zoo and headed back towards home me and the father were drained... tired to the max and sticky as well. We got home and it was almost time for dinner, so we decided since it was such a great day why not end it in a great way? We decided to bring the kids for dinner then to the movies.

Out we went , had a quick dinner and bought tics to "The croods"!!

When we were seated, they were thinking what was this place and when the screen started showing commercials they were both staring like,

"wow... what a BIG tv!!!!"

So very smoothly (thank goodness) we finished the movie!!!! And they loved the show!!! Apparently its really colorful and lotsa action!!

Tired but fruitful day!!! cant wait for another outing on weekends !

EIPIC program

Zyon went for his screening at SPD earlier this week, and the center assessed him, and decided on which class he is going to be allocate to and how many times a week he has to attend.

I know you must be thinking why not ARC right?

Initially, my first choice had always been ARC , and i wasnt wavered in anyway about changing that decision. Until i received a call a month later after our last appointment at KKH.  The caller was from CEL , his purpose in calling was to tell us more about the other options that we have and the purpose of CEL , the therapies in the different centers that provides EIPIC programs and the meaning of EIPIC.  You may already know, heard, found out about all the different kinds of therapies, help and about EIPIC, but its still part of the package that the caller has to repeat like it or not. But m really glad that the caller did his job even though he has to repeat and repeat himself calls after calls like a spoiled radio.

I always hung on to the decision of "no matter what happens or what i hear, the decision will be ARC". There have been too many times whereby i want something , get out to get it and come home with a different object. And coming to think abt it, this logic happens every single day to everyone at one point or another becos we all want something better. Regrets will come later. So i was determined that i will listen to this spoiled radio but my decision will be ARC. Im guilty cos honestly i really wasnt listening to whatever the caller was saying and i guess after saying the same things over n over again , he doesnt even know what he was talking about anymore. Our real conversation only started when he said and when i heard,

"The waiting time for ARC is 6months. " then continued "blah blah blahblah blah".

I stopped his blahing and rewinded , "wait,  6 months????? Oh dear ok what other alternatives do i have??"

Suddenly, the caller 'woke up' and came back to earth. And we started talking about the other options.

The reason why SPD was because its shorter in waiting time and even though its a new dept in terms of EIPIC program, they have the full set of therapists in terms of speech and occupational.  And ARC doesnt that those 2, we'll have to source elsewhere. So i decided based on these 2 facts its enough for me to have option 2 and not be too stubborn. I really hope we dont have to waste time waiting anymore.. its early intervention but by the time its finally our turn, its not early intervention anymore.

Ok, settled zy's EIPIC program issue, i thought i would have lesser worries, then comes another. While zy is in the class twice a week, the caregiver which is my husband has to be there but zonya is not allowed to be there.

OMG... how then?

Im working and hubs is with zy, who is gonna look after my little girl?? This i cant solve. Having the greatest headache cos apparently my family and relatives cant help.

So if u are reading this, drop me a solution if u have?? Thanks in advance !!!!

Cheers!

E for Eye

Im so happy and i couldnt wait to wanting to tell all of u out there what zyon "told" me.

YEAH U SAW THAT ALRIGHT, ZYON "TOLD" ME!!!!!!!!!

Yesterday night my little boy held,my hand and swung it back and front and so suddenly he stopped, looked at me in the eye and said,

"A b c d e" and points to his eye.

Get it??

E stands for Eye!!!!!!!!

Im so proud.... zyzy never fails to surprise mommy everytime..... #^_^ <3