I must say after seeing so many professionals, im feeling exhausted. Going through the same questions, me answering the same answers, then going through new questions and zyon being watched and observed by new doctors..... i just hope to get a conclusion so i can move on to the next step.
When we reached the hospital for the hearing test appointment, the queue was fast and we got to see the audiologist very quickly. Tried all ways and means but zyon wouldnt give in. He kep screaming and crying! And since doing a hearing test requires him to keep very quiet for at most 5 mins, to my little boy its literally impossible. First, he has this hate relationship with doctors aka anybody that wears a white cloak and had lots of equipments in a room, and second, he hates it when u put an "earpiece thingy" into his ears except for a thermometer. He screamed and screamed. So the audiologist then suggested us to reschedule the appointment whereby they will get a doctor's letter to sedate zyon, just a mild one, for him to sleep to finish the test. Well, like i sad we tried everything and nothing worked so left without a choice, i agreed to the suggestion.
There was still an hour before zyon's appointment with the doctor for autism, so we took a walk around the area and there were so many shops sellng all kinds of toys and stuffs!! Naturally my kids were super excited. We walked into mothercare and the new "LeapPad2" caught my attention. My bestie wrote in her blog "Mother's Avenue" about it you can go check it out. Apparently this pad has 300 over learning games for children 3 - 9 years of age, it has both camera and video recording function, not to mention colouring , writing, music and many more. So decided to get it for zyon. An early xmas present :p
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- tadah!!
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Was half an hour to the appointment, we decided to do the registration first. After registration, a very kind nurse came over to inform us that due to certain circumstances, there are 2 more patients ahead of us and we had to wait for another hour. There were toys and books so we decided to just wait and not walk around. So long as the kids are entertained.
Time was passing slowly and waiting can be the worse feeling in the world..... So while waiting and the kids were having fun playng the toys in the waiting area, i was scanning the room. I heard a couple squabbling and natural human reaction was 'turn to look'. Their accent was quite strong and i couldnt really hear what they were squabbling about, but it seems it was because of their child's condition. I guess this is their first time seeing the doctor in regards to their child's development. The wife was blaming the husband about something and the husband was turning it back on her. Then they were getting louder and noticed me looking, the wife shushed her husband and they went back down on the tone. Of cos i realized i was rude to be listening to their conversation so i quickly looked away. We were in the same waiting room with small kids, so of cos there were a few times where we had eye contact. From her actions and they way she was talking to her child annd of co previously to her husband, i feel her defensive level is quite high. Its like trying to protect her child from being judged by other parents there. Its not wrong. Every mother tends to react like this the first time when told their child is different. Its a mother's instinct to protect her child. I've been through, i know how it feels. I wanted to walk over to talk to her as a kind of support but hahaha her defensive mode is on full power. So i thought, forget it, dont be such a busy body, so i turned away. Then after a while, while playing with my daughter cos she isnt a "fan" of waiting, i noticed somebody looking at me, i turned and saw another mother. She looked at me like i was weird. To me is singing a nursery rhyme and acting like a clown to entertain my children doesnt make me look crazy... does it? hahaha . Then i smiled at her and her child. OK........... she looked at me with a very defensive gaze.... i was taken aback and thought to myself "wow.... alright.... be defensive, you have all the right in the world to be upset now but pls dont take it out on me, i didnt do anything" LOL!!! I know i looked like that too a couple of months ago..... sad.... but hey things will work out. As parents we will never get over it, we just have to LEARN TO DEAL WITH IT.
Finally after a 2 hour wait, its zyon's turn... The doctor this time round has alot of patience, was kind and understanding. She gave me the feeling of "being genuine". Its like from her eyes, she looks at zyon (though met for the 1st time) with concern, attention or maybe even love! She apologized that we had to wait so long and i assured her, its ok.
So she started interviewing me, asking me questions that i have answered a gazillion times to the different people who we have already seen, and also new questions. She was very patient to listen to my concerns and explain word by word to me. I told her i am not a medical student , i have no knowledge of medical terms, cause and effect, but i would like to ask how do they define autism in a 45min - 1 hr session just by observing my son and asking me questions? She answered me, i am not able to tell you your son has autism in 45 mins - 1hr session . I can only tell you the signs and as for the severity we need to do a long diagnosis and it requires a period of time. When she told me this, i know i can fully trust her and have faith that finally someone is assuring me and not labeling my son. As we spoke, she was observing zyon playing with the toys around him and in between she calls out to him and "boo" this made zyon laugh alot. She explained why she was asking these questions and she gave me information that i needed. School. (i will follow up on this again)
I told her zyon has been real friendly to strangers as he grows, its like he will hug and hold their hands etc, to me my son is being friendly and nice but when she told me this is actually wrong, i was like "oh!!". She said this is an inappropriate behaviour and that i must start teaching zyon that he must know the difference between family and stangers. Family hugs are good. However if its strangers, and he grows up still doing this, it will be a form of "molestation" by mistake. Wow.... i learnt a new thing. It never occured to me to think in that angle.
After she was done with the questions, she looked at me and said "you would be worried about his learning skills whether or not he can go to a normal mainstream school or special school, social skills whether or not he will make any friends, and getting himself a wife and have his own family."
I nodded.
I told her, "to be very honest with you, i came here mentally prepared, with inner peace. But im very sorry, i cant control myself." And my tears just rolled down my cheeks, drowning my eyeballs with a burning sensation. i said again "i know his condition, i know what has to be done, but somehow even though i tell myself that i have to be strong and there is an acceptance, somewhere deep in my heart, i refuse to acknowledge. Even though i am aware, but im only human. "
I know what its going to be like. I may not be able to see the future now, but i have a brief idea, i may be strong in acceptance (thus writing this blog to help parents to see that its not the end of the wordl) but hey we are only human. There will always be a small part in our heart that refuses to acknowledge. But dont let this small part take over you. Dont think that by refusing to acknowledge it will just go away and disappear.
It will not go away unless you accept it.
Its only through acceptance, then you can get the right help for your child.
Its ony through acceptance, then you can create a future for your child.
Its only through acceptance, then you will be able to get inner peace for you and your child.
Its only through acceptance, then your child will have his/her standing in the society.
Accept and acknowledge is the way to happiness.
remember : We will never get over it, we just have to learn to deal with it.
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