shattered expectations

Previously i mentioned we made an appt for zy to get evaluated for autism by a professional. We called several places and managed to get this recommendation which we heard was good.

I was so nervous on the day of the appt and i made sure the car came on time to fetch us to the center. I remembered when i stepped into the center, i wanted to cry. The place was also a special school for children with special needs and it was after school hours but there were children there waiting for their parents to pick them up.

I went forward to the reception and told the lady my name and that i have an appt. So she sat me down and told me to fill in some forms which i did. And about 10mins later we were called into the room and we met the therapist/ examiner or whatever u call it. but defintely not doctor. She sat me down and gave my little boy 2 boxes of toys to play then she started asking me questions that were printed on a questionaire which i think she mentioned its a test called "CARS"? (i cant remember the term) And so it begins, question by question and answer by answer. i answered her as best as i could, trying not to miss out even the slightest detail becos to me every little detail matters and it will define my baby boy.

20 mins later

The questions were over, i thought maybe she should try to communicate with zy and see how he reacts to her, but she didnt. And she came to a conclusion saying "yes, he is autistic". I was taken aback and immediately my tears flowed. I asked her "is it mild?" Becos other than not talking, my son is like an average kid, affectionate and plays well also not afraid of strangers plus he listens to commands, have eye contact with me and understands the things that i tell him. How severe can it be? Right?

"No, its quite severe" she said.

My heart sank.

My next question was "i have seen people on the streets talking to themselves and hitting themselves, is he going to be like that when he grows up?"

"As long as he goes for therapys, it will not happen."

i didnt care. My mind was only thinking, my child's future is gone. He is not gonna have a normal life and make friends, have fun , meet a nice girl and have his own family. What am i gonna do? What am i gonna do? I will die one day, and when im gone , whos gonna watch over him?

She proceeded to say "we have therapys here specialized in helping him."

"Just how severe is Autism?" i finally asked.

She opened her cupboard, took out a book and handed it to me and told me to read through it to understand Autism.

"What did i do? or what did i not do? why?"

She then said "Its not about what u have or have not done, it is a genetic disorder. He was born with it. Dont feel guilty, it wasnt created by anyone"

So.... it wasnt my fault?.....

she went on to say " i will recommend him to undergo 3 different therapys , Speech, hydro and occupational therapy. We have the facility here and i would suggest you change his diet. No carbs, no milk ,no fried stuffs, no oily stuffs. "

"But he loves all those that you've mentioned! What can he eat then?"

"Has it ever occured to you why he likes to eat all those? Thats cos he is sensitive to them, and eating those food would make his condition worse" she said.

But I've always thought ALL children loves cakes, bread, milk , french fries, nuggets....

She went on to say "He can change his milk to soy milk which we are selling here and his diet have to be strictly gluten free"

And so i told her to list the kind of therapy my boy would need and also their respective charges. And that was the end of the appt. I couldnt stop crying on the road back home and i kept asking myself why me? why my child? All i ever wanted was for my children to be an average kid, happy and healthy, but why this? And the moment i saw my husband, i broke down asking him all my questions, asking him over and over again what were we going to do , how is it going to be , whats our next step, will he get bullied in school in the future? is he gonna have friends?? Is he going to have a life???? What am i supposed to do now????????

My husband was calm. And he looked at me, said, "first , you have to calm down, organise your thoughts, and accept it. You are his main caregiver, you are his mother. You are going to be his support and if you break down, who is going to help him? who is going to support him? If you cannot accept it, who is he going to turn to?"

I woke up instantly. I was "brought back to life". My husband just knocked some sense into me. And thank goodness he did.

I sat down, opened the book that the therapist gave me and started reading. To gain knowledge on what exactly is Autism. The effects it will have on the child. As i read, i cry and that was all i ever did for the next 3 days. I started taking notes that i thought was important and before i knew it i stopped crying. There were short inspiring stories in the book that made me feel i wasnt alone and it practically answered all my questions.

The title of the book is : Autism Spectrum Disorders by Chantal sicile- kira
(i will put up some important notes and quotes from the book later on as well as the inspiring stories)

The points in the book :
*The causes of Autism Spectrum Disorders
* How to properly diagnose ASDs
*The different categories of Autism
*Why people with ASDs act the way the do
*Treatments based on behavioral, psychological and biomedical interventions
*Coping strategies and practical tips for families
*Educational needs and programs
*Community interaction
*Teaching strategies and resources for educators and other professionals

(Its a really good book at a reasonable price and you can get in any bookstores.)

When i finally stopped crying and thinking of my next step, i have accepted this nightmare. Even though i really wished it was just a nightmare. I came to terms that no matter what happens this is my child. Im his mother. And Zy is still Zy. He is still the affectionate boy that i have and he is still the playful little fella. Nothing's changed. Im still proud of him being able to listen to instructions and help me with the chores like keeping his toys and throwing rubbish that he sees on the floor into the bin etc.


I then realised what i felt was "shattered expectations".

How i hoped my son would go to school, make friends, hang out with his peers serve the ns, meet a nice girl~ etc.....

"Shattered Expectations" made me lose myself.

from the book : ~
People with ASDs is much like the general population : some of us have special talents, some of us are geniuses , some of us are retarded and some of us are just average earthlings