The day of the Appointment

Time flies and 3 months went by.

The days were smooth and nothing much or special happened, we continued our daily routine and Zy's been really learning. We practice saying the alphabets and when i ask him which is which , he was able to point them out to me. Colors and shapes, all these interest him.

As usual because of me , my kids love to go to bookstores and look at interesting books. Especially those that were published by "Disney Junior".

It was the day of our appointment at KK Hospital. I told myself "this is it, the moment of truth." We woke up as per normal so zy was off to school and i start preparing what to bring, their lunch, get ready my baby girl and myselfand we were off to pick Zy up from school to the appointment. When we reached our destination, my heart was calm... im not sure why but somehow im not as frightened as before..I've felt hopeless, shattered and cried and now in not sure if i can go through the process again.  But probably becos of the previous experience and i've found out so much so much, gotten to the fact that he is still him. Nothing's changed. My son was still my son and he is still an affectionate boy learning new things everyday.. only slower.

Stepped into the Dept of Child Development, i started to get nervous. Registered at the counter and took a sit nearby. I felt weirdly calm after looking around. There were so many children with their parents waiting for their turn to see the doctor. Getting help. I realized i've been keeping my anxiety and stress about my little boy's problems somewhere in the corner of my mind and heart and now im going to face the fact.

"dom dom dom" My heart was pounding with the all so familiar way. The fear is back when it was almost our turn to be called. I shook my head, "nothing is impossble. there will be hopes. "

The nurse took Zy's particulars and told me that a short interview would be conducted then we'll get to see the preliminary examiner. Couldnt help and i started looking around again, so many children with development issues of all kinds!! One particular child caught my attention. He laughed and laughed to himself and when i turn to look at his parents, they were in a mess. His mother's eyes were red from crying and his father was like had a shock but tryng to reamin composed. Come to think of it, this was what me and my husband looked like a few months back. I could totally feel their pain, their inner hearts screaming and asking the same questions that i've asked a million times.

Finally, the psychologist called Zy's name. We stepped into a room with butterflies on walls and rubber flowers around , a red mat on the floor with toy trains and train tracks. The psychologist told us o take a seat and that Zy can play on the red mat with the toys there, so i told my little boy

"you can go over there to play darling"

Zy then smiled and insists to take off his shoes. Maybe he felt like in school, it was necessary. He placed his shoes neatly side by side beside my chair and went to the red mat and started playing on his own. The interviewer went on to ask me some basic questions about his behaviour and reactions in regards to certain issues and also what he can or cannot do to understand more on zy's development against the avergae milestone as per his peers. As i answered her questions, i felt that im trying so hard to recall even the smallest detail so as to justify, still trying hard to convince myself that it might just prove that my son is fine, its just that he is still young. My subconscious was really trying very hard. After the brief interview , we were then told to wait outside for the nurses to call our names again to check on zy's health. Just a few questions.

We were waiting in the waiting area again and another boy caught my attention. He was screaming and screaming and screaming. Then he bit himself on his arm and when his parents wanted to stop him, he bit them as well. Suddenly it occured to me, "hey, im not alone. im not the only parent facing this challenge. Many out there are struggling as hard as i am and their kids are struggling as hard as they can to be accepted into this society."

When the examiner called our name, soehow i felt that Zy knows why we're there. I dont know if its just me being sensitive, but she's not looking at my son like a child. Rather she is looking at my baby as though he is a 'thing' she is experimenting / researching on. She tried to play with Zy and talk to him but the way she was doing it was wrong. It was a wrong approach. I guessed that she isnt a mother yet. Whatever it is, Zy completely IGNORED her. Treated like she was invisible! Zy used to ignore people but that was a year ago since he last ignored people like that. He looked at what she was holding but simply completely not look at her face! Thus she couldnt get a response out of him. Zy's been really nice to his teachers in school, to all my relatives, all his father's relatives and even the strangers on the road when they say hi, but now that we're here for an assessment, he ignored the lady..... oh my goodness..............

Of cos immediately she thinks my son has a problem and yes is autistic and blah blah blah. The next thing i know she 'labelled' my son with autism. I tried real hard ot explain that he isnt like that, i mean come on, he is my son i think i know him better than someone who just met him for 20 mins isnt it??? but she didnt give me a chance and kept on writing her evaluation on her 'newly labeled research'.

I wanted to walk out of the office then she told me something that made me stop.

"I would also suggest a hearing test actually, It would not be a case of deafness but there is also a possibility that he cant hear certain frequencies and thus sometimes apears to be deaf. Television is mono toned hence everyone can hear it but human voice is different, nobody says the same things with the same tone. He could be suffering from that instead. Mainly because he is still young so we still cant confirm on autism. He will be checked on by our group of professionals on Autism, i will arrange an appt for that and a hearing test if its ok for you."

OF COS ITS OK!!!!!!!! I WAS THRILLED TO HEAR THAT!!! I mean if its really a case of hearing a hearing aid or a minor operation will help my son and he'll be able to live life as any other average kid! But then again if its really autism, at least now as a mother i will know exactly how i can help my son.

Suddenly, i realized my son was never really bothered by thunder since he was a baby... not once did he ever get shocked by the roaring of thunder when it rains. NOT ONCE. Then could it really be a heariing problem?? My heart desperately hoping its a hearing problem.

After we're done, i asked Zy "darling u wanna go to the toilet?"

He pulled his pants indicating "yes"

When we finally left the hospital i thought to myself , 'im only gonna know the outcome in december so i shant stress about it now.... we'll just focus on other stuffs and lead life as per normal'.

Zy would be performing in his school year end concert dancing the 'chicken dance' and his 3rd birthday would be around the corner ...lets just get pass it then ..

God, please bless zy...